I have been coughing like crazy lately. I wake up in the middle of the night coughing, and sometimes, during the day, I'll suddenly erupt into a fit of coughs so violent that it threatens to turn into explosive vomiting. It hasn't, yet, but there's been a few very close calls that have fortunately graduated only into very raunchy, hearty burps. The worst is when this happens at work. The very worst is when this happens at work while I'm on the phone or in mid-conversation with my boss. Ladylike!

I do know why I'm coughing so much- it's not like this is a Mystery Cough that can only be solved by a very expensive team of Ailment Detectives (i.e., doctors). You see, I have quit smoking. Just about. Here's the deal- I haven't bought a pack of smokes in over a month now, but I do still smoke occasionally (one or two a day, tops, only when peer pressure is applied). However, for all intents and purposes, I am officially considering myself a non-smoker. I think it's okay if I call myself this despite the occasional lapses. I'm only human, right? My body has certainly moved into non-smoking mode, as the cravings have all but subsided.

Furthermore, this ridiculous amount of coughing is only proof that my body is in non-smoking mode. According to several internet websites that utilize very poor citation, my cilia is growing back, and that's what's causing the coughing. Cilia is one of my favorite medical words, along with bilirubin, colitis, and coccyx. So, in comes my cilia, out goes the cough/burp/almost-vomit.

The thing about quitting smoking, though, is that you kind of feel like you're losing a friend. A shitty but somehow lovable friend who's wonderful to your face but then stabs you in the back with cancer, emphysema, and the ever-growing expense of the nicotine sin tax. There were a lot of good times with smoking, though. We went to bars together, had lingering breaks at work together, and got through long car rides together. Smoking calmed me down when human beings couldn't. Smoking helped me kill time and accompanied me on adventures in making small talk and meeting people. Smokers chit chat with each other outside of bars in ways that non-smokers could never do inside of bars. Smoking creates a bond- it says, "So you're an idiot, too, eh? Let's be buds."

Alas, it's over. I feel good. Confident in a way that I haven't in a very long time. I smell great, too- no more of that subtle smoking scent that crawls over my body just under the surface of my fruity body spash spray.

I'm also trying to give up caffeine. Kind of. That's a relationship that I'm not ready to sever just yet. I merely loved smoking. I'm fucking obsessed with caffeine; I stalk it, dream about it, have an unhealthy, deliciously overpowering infatuation with it that rivals how Glenn Close felt about Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction. Breaking up with caffeine will not be easy. I will not be ignored by it, ever.