chapter 26

the three girls- kitty, alice, and joni- met the three guys- max, adam, and todd- near the entrance of the cave. "this is where the bloody murder of my twin sister kimmy happened," kitty nervously stated for purposes of exposition. "you see how the rocks and soil are still stained with her blood?"

todd was near tears; kimmy had been his date for the prom, and now he'd have to settle for either alice or joni, both of whom were significantly flatter chested than the very vivacious, no-bra-wearing kimmy. "i'll rip apart the bastard the slayed her," he said in a throaty voice. "if only i could find out who it was."

"that's what we're here to do," joni reminded him pointedly, crouching in the dirt. "oh my. do you see what i see?"

a hush fell over the group. finally, adam responded, "um, no. unless you mean all those empty pop cans and frito-lay bags. somebody should call the 4-h club."

"we are the 4-h club," todd spat, getting even more upset. "or at least we were before the department of agriculture revoked our last 'h.' who wants to be in a 3-h club?"

"it's probably less work," max reasoned.

joni was getting impatient. she shook her hair in such a fashion that her pretty, sun-kissed, heavily moisturized curls bounced daintily about her pretty, sun-kissed, heavily moisturized face. "i'm talking about that piece of twine right there in the cave."

the six of them gave a collective gasp, alice adding an "oh my," for effect. joni, voted most likely to make it into chapter 27, squinted up her eyes and did some quick calculations in her head. "the killer must have used that twine to tie up kimmy. then he or she dragged kimmy here and that's where her intestines were ripped out like a subscription card in a teen magazine. now who has access to twine?"

all eyes landed on kitty, who had been employed at the twine and duct tape store in the mall since page two of the prologue. todd choked out, "you. you monster. you killed kimmy."

kitty's lips curved into a mysteriously mysterious smile. then they curved wider until they became amusingly amused. "took you guys long enough," she said. "but the question is why i did it."

"yes, kitty, tell us why," alice cried, and the group settled into a semi-circle in the grass, eagerly awaiting to hear the details of the murder. max offered to start a fire. joni contemplated aloud whether or not they should get a pizza.

"extra pepperoni," kitty requested. "anyhow, it all started when todd asked kimmy to the dance instead of me. we are identical twins, you know. our chest sizes are identical. so why her, and not me?"

"because," todd began, introducing the twist. "i know you're not actually her twin. you hatched out of an alien egg seventeen years ago and just took kimmy's form. you're not human. you don't even like bill murray."

"not true," kitty protested. "i love jim belushi."

"but...." max was confused. "oh well. go on."

"so i lured her here under the premise of saving a starving squirrel. then, when her back was turned, i deftly tied her up with some twine, dragged her out here, and spooned out her guts with a ladle."

everyone looked at adam, who worked at the ladle and shovel store in the mall. he pretended to be engrossed in a hangnail.

"and now that you've found me out," kitty said slowly, savoring the moment like one would savor a day at the novelty sock store, "i have to kill you all. adam, my spoon please?"

"not so fast," roared todd, who leapt to his feet wielding a gun.

"where'd you get that gun from?" joni gasped.

"i work at the gun store," todd declared. "just started yesterday. my manager said i could keep this one as long as i didn't shoot anyone."

"what's the point of having a gun if you're not going to shoot anybody?" max questioned. "and i still don't understand what jim belushi has to do with anything."

"i'll show you the point." todd grinned as he began to club kitty to death with the barrel of his new toy. he stopped when he got to adam, though. "i need a deal on spoons," he muttered. adam scampered away.

alice jumped up. "another exciting mystery solved by the 3-h club," she cheered.

that's when joni pulled off her mask. it wasn't joni at all. todd narrated, "and now it's getting complicated. i wonder what chapter 27 holds."