I am TEN DAYS from my due date. I am very slowly coming to terms with the fact that my due date may very well come and go without the arrival of baby; as of my appointment last week, I still hadn't made any progress, and the doctor very blithely remarked that baby would most likely be late. With that one remark, she stepped on my heart as carelessly as if stubbing out a cigarette. I want my fricking baby already. I'm at the point where I'm ready to just do this thing, and to finally meet the mythical creature that I've been slowly growing.

Now's as good a time as any to list some of the things that I've learned over the duration of my pregnancy. In all honesty, it's been a pretty good, mostly non-eventful pregnancy, but there have been a few life lessons that I've managed to extract along the way. And here they are.

1. The dollar store pregnancy tests are the way to go. While trying to conceive, it'll be much too easy to spend hundreds of dollars on tests over the course of those couple/several/many months. You're going to eventually need that money for diapers or therapy; trust me, the dollar store tests work just as good as the more expensive ones, and it was a dollar store test that delivered my good news. Followed by a more expensive test because, when push came to shove, I wasn't sure I trusted the dollar store test, but still. You get the picture.

2. Don't be in a hurry to look pregnant. The big ol' belly can be a joy to behold, but man does it get old after a while. During those first few months, be happy to wear your normal clothes. YOU MAY NEVER GET TO WEAR THEM AGAIN.

3. If you don't have morning sickness right away, don't wish for it. I didn't have any, and, like a moron, I felt somehow "cheated" by the pregnancy gods. Later when I had a few (I think three in total) instances of sickness, it wasn't nearly as glamorous as I had somehow envisioned. I don't know what's wrong with me.

4. Save your complaining about pregnancy aches and pains for the third trimester. Nine months of complaining is a lot for your husband to listen to, and if he's anything like my husband, he won't have any sympathy anyway until you reach month seven or so. And that's when you'll REALLY have the need to complain. So, save it. And, until you hit those last few months, he's right- you're probably fine to take the garbage out occasionally and keep up with the household vacuuming. So shut up and stop your bitching already.

5. Questions about being pregnant? Wondering what kind of chemicals in your environment may be inadvertently retarding your baby? Wondering about what's supposed to happen when and how things might go terribly awry? DO NOT TURN TO THE INTERNET FOR INFORMATION. DO NOT ASK JEEVES. The internet is the worst thing to ever happen to my peace of mind. The internet convinced me that a thousand different things were going to be wrong with my baby. Now, granted, I haven't actually had the baby yet, and maybe there are a thousand different things wrong with him, but I think there are some instances where a little ignorance is bliss. And if it's not in a trusted pregnancy book or coming from your doctor, then there really is no need to worry about it. It took me all this time to come to that conclusion- I wish the conclusion had come six months ago, but alas.

6. Strange and horrific things are about to happen to your boobs and the skin on your belly and ass. This isn't a life lesson, just more of a general observation. Also, your belly button is going to transform into something completely unrecognizable. Try not to look at it too much.

7. Don't scoff at high fiber cereals or eating plenty of fruits and vegetables. Pregnancy is a direct cause of constipation and hemmorhoids, and you're going to feel awfully silly using a sick day off work because of bathroom issues.

8. Pregnancy is the best excuse you'll ever have for getting out of things you don't want to do. Also, it's also the most honest excuse you'll ever have- because, quite frankly, anything that happens after 7:00 pm is not something that you'll have ANY interest in doing or be able to stay awake for. Unless we're talking about devouring a large pizza by yourself while watching HGTV. Now that, you'll find the energy for.

9. Preparing for the birth of your child will make you love your husband more. He will become your hero when he puts together the crib and the car seat or finds time to read the "what the heck to do with a baby" book you bought. Unless your husband is a jackass, in which case this time in your marriage could also lead to an ugly divorce.

10. The process of securing a daycare for after baby's birth will likely make you REGRET EVERY DECISION YOU'VE EVER MADE EVER. Don't worry, that feeling will pass. Stay tuned for when baby actually starts daycare and we have to start paying for it. Every week.

11. Registering for baby shower gifts will also make you feel pretty awful. I don't know if this is a normal reaction for every expectant mother, because, let's face it, normal women enjoy shopping and picking things out. I don't enjoy these things, and did not find it to be a fun experience by any stretch of the imagination. I was completely overwhelmed and befuddled by the task and downright irritated that a little seven pound person could possibly require so many THINGS. Just take it one item at a time, though. And register for stuff over several weeks. Because when you try to cram it all into one gruesome hour, you are setting yourself up for the kind of failure that can only result in a downward spiral consisting of adult-sized tantrums, pre-term labor-like cramping, and general bad decision-making.

12. It's probably better not to discuss potential baby names with your friends and family. No particular reason for me saying this, just a general regret on my part. Also, as far as talking to friends and family, when and if I decide to have a second child, I do not think I will make this decision public. It was too hard to tell people month after month that my internal lady parts had not managed to make a baby yet. Of course, I say all this now, but we'll see what happens when/if we do decide to do this again. I'll probably hire a moderately priced jet to fly over the northwest suburbs with a banner. And the banner will have a crude drawing of my internal lady parts on it, just for good measure.

13. It's super fun to find out the gender of the baby at the twenty week ultrasound. Do it. Find out what you're having. Why bother with the "surprise?" Have you seen gender-neutral baby clothes? They blow. They are decidedly not cute. And, as Chris says, the surprise isn't really that much of a surprise. It's either a boy or a girl. It's not like you're going to be SHOCKED by what comes out during delivery. Just find out, okay?

14. The first trimester is full of joy and wonder. The second trimester is full of crying and anxiety. The third trimester is full of waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Yet no two days will have the exact same cocktail of emotions. Have fun with that, crazy.

15. Being pregnant affords you the luxury of asking your friends with children all sorts of personal and embarrassing questions. It's carte blanche for private and gross details. So, go for it. Everyone loves a good, intimate conversation about pregnancy unpleasantries. Really.