i am in one of the bitchiest moods of my entire life. i've got way too much stuff on my mind right now, and every time i begin to try to sort through it, something else comes along with the sole purpose of irritating me. why am i not a happy-go-lucky person? why does it take so little to piss me off? why do i sweat the small stuff? i know life is short; i know you're supposed to enjoy every minute of it and not take anything for granted and be happy and grateful for all that you have. in theory, this would be a wonderful way to live. in reality, i'm drowning in my own wave pool of shit.

i'm tired of everything. i don't want to worry about money or a wedding or living in an apartment i hate. i don't want to constantly have something new to do, be it getting an oil change or taking over yet another duty at work. i want to sleep at night and laugh all day. i'm sick of having so many complaints. i hate being responsible for more things than i feel i can handle. i can't stomach decision-making anymore; even going to the grocery store is starting to feel too heavy for me. i don't know what i want to do- but i have to do something. my outlook has to change, otherwise i'm going to go over the edge and lose everything. chris, my job, my independence, my happiness. i'm at the breaking point, and something has to give, and i have to be the one to give it. or take it. or just chill out.

how did i handle these feelings before, back when i was constantly depressed and moody and crying and screaming? did i handle them at all, or did i just bury them somewhere that i thought was inaccessible? and now everything's shifting and i'm dealing with those old feelings all over again. i know that i have wasted and am wasting so much. too much time has been spent worrying about things out of my control, or things in my control that i'm afraid to touch. why can't i be like [everyone else]? and what would make me happy right now?

door county with chris. that was happy- just me and him and our own private house in the woods. i'd say we should go back, but i don't think... we can afford it.