this is a long overdue rant, but i feel it's an important topic that i should discuss. am i talking about bush or abortion or gun control or tibet? oh no. what's on my mind today is sweat.

now, some girls in their late teens have problems with excessive perspiration. finding an effective deoderant/anti-perspirant can be like hunting down jimmy hoffa- while wearing a shirt that's soaking wet. anyhoo, my cousin and i had this same problem, and then she recommended certain dri.

ah, certain dri. so long-lasting that it's still working hard after 84 hours. my god, do you know how many episodes of seinfeld that is? more than ten. (is it a bad thing that i tend to calculate time based on sitcom lengths? i'm not sure either.)

so, i purchased some from the local sell-a-torium. i applied as directed, and the next morning the pores in my armpits were literally fused shut. no, i wasn't sweating, but i also couldn't raise my arms for fear that i would tear my tightly stretched skin. i'd rip my armpit wide open, and my left lung would somehow go flying out. and then there was the itching. i couldn't decide which was more socially devastating- having small moist spots on my t-shirt or sitting in class while vigorously scratching away at my pits. neither seemed to help when it came to attracting the gentlemen. i was at a loss. i kept using the certain dri, which seemed so hip in its spelling, much like how kristi is always cooler than kristy. right? right? ha.

i had the tight skin, the itching, and then three days later, there was the burning and the redness. it was like having a potluck of under my arms, except instead of savory, homemade dishes, i got stuck with... well, the itching, the tightness, the burning, and the redness. aren't you paying attention?

i called my cousin. "are you using the certain dri?" i asked.

there was a careful pause, and then she whispered into the phone, "i scratched my pits so hard, they started bleeding."

eventually, i found other remedies for my sweating, such as prolonged exposures to doing nothing strenuous or nerve-wracking. that worked well; i got a lot of drinking done. eventually, i grew out of my sweatiness and forgot about the certain dri. the other day, i remembered the whole thing when my cousin mentioned that, as a gag, she had tried that stuff on her feet.

long story short: not a good idea.

certain dri is product number 728 on my "not to buy" list. it's right below that one car freshener that smells like horse.