job benefits are fantastic. i feel like the amount of vacation time they're giving me, plus holidays and sick days, will far exceed the amount of time i'll actually be working. it's incredible. they also signed me up for life insurance that i don't have to contribute to. i named the cheese as my beneficiary, and he stands to gain over 50k should i "have an accident" in the next year. if he can wait it out past the year, he'll gain even more. with that kind of dough, he can just buy another jackie.

but, of course, there's no other jackie. maybe he'd have to settle for a bertha, or a semi-obedient dog.