my bank does this adorable thing where they give me an "available balance" and a "current balance." the two are always completely different amounts, seemingly chosen at random by some sadist down in their account management department. today i check my online banking ledger, and, bam, the difference between these two numbers is over a thousand dollars. a thousand five hundred, to be exact. egads! and then when i attempt to find out what, exactly, is the difference between "available" and "current," that same sadist has me staring at the screen for over twenty minutes as i try, without luck, to decipher their subtleties. this is especially not good because i think i have conjunctivitis yet again, and staring in deep concentration probably does naught for the healing process.

"current" and "available" sound like the same thing to me. those assholes.

anyhow, i'm either broke or rich. i have no idea which. who is to pay for confusing the account holder?

in other non-related news, i've decided i want to go on tlc's "what not to wear." these people get flown to manhattan and basically handed a check for something like five grand for splurging. also, they get a haircut and make-over. now, i don't want anyone cutting my hair, but my highlights do need retouching, so they can do that. also, maybe somebody could curl my eyelashes. i used to try that when i was younger but would inevitably end up hurting myself. severely.

i do need to get nominated before i can go on the show, though. i need to prove that i am badly in need of this wardrobe make-over. so i have decided to wear nothing but misshapen dresses created entirely of kraft american cheese singles. "tell me about this particular dress," the hosts will say in disgust as they hold up cheese dress # 14. "it's one of my favorites," i'll tell them, "although it's missing a sleeve due to a violent encounter with a band of mice."