how to make babies.

you have to read odd news stories in order to make small talk with virtual strangers. otherwise, you're stuck in that elevator attempting to discuss the weather. and while the weather can be interesting and wacky, such as when it doesn't rain water but chocolate milk and raisinettes, most of the time, it's rather dull. so what do you have to talk about without exposing the risk of having to bare personal details about your very private, boring life? that screwball world out there!

"hey, speaking of being stuck in an elevator, have you heard about that thousand dollar omelet?"

"no, but did you hear about the vaseline guy?"

i suppose after a while it would be okay to discuss your personal life, like after a couple of days have gone by and the two of you are trying to subsist on the cloth of your jackets. but even then, you have to exaggerate a little, for showmanship, for the art of fine fiction. instead of saying, "my husband works in real estate," you say, "my husband owns all of colorado, and he's going to turn the whole dang state into a giganto farm where he can crossbreed chickens and cows, as to create the perfect meat."

really, the important thing is to not put your elevator partner to sleep, unless of course you're planning to attack and eat him out of desperation. remember: no one wants to hear about your pets, unless they've maimed something. nobody cares what you think about congress or why you don't wear fur- unless, of course, you've slept with a congressperson or are wearing the fur of some famous cartoon animal, like scooby. so- well, i would just stick to the wacky news stories.

and it's best to check them daily.