and now i share something deeply personal:

i went through some stuff this morning, and i found the wisest letter my father ever wrote me. after i finished sobbing, i decided that i had to immortalize it, and share it, because so many things get lost. what other venue do i have than this fucking blog? i don't 100% agree with him for certain parts, but, well, here it is.

dear jaclyn,

i wrote this letter because i care about you and the relationship i hope to maintain with you. when you stated that your mother and i should have divorced ten years ago, i was bothered, at first. after some thought, i realized that you are young and do not fully comprehend what a long term relationship is about. i have been married to your mother for 22 years, and i can tell you, situations can get very complicated when people live together. disagreements and problems are not easily resolved. add to that all the responsibilities of raising children and everyday problems that we have to bear, and you can easily lose focus, and make mistakes.

when i married your mother, i had only a few goals that i wanted to achieve in life. i wanted to have a family with her, see that the children were raised properly, to have a close relationship with you and marcia, and to live "happily ever after." of course, i wanted everybody's life to be perfect. i did not want to be angry towards your mother, and i did not want to set a bad example for you and marcia. i had other goals also, some i achieved, and some i didn't. though i have good intentions, i cannot be successful at everything i do, every relationship i have, and any endeavor i enter into. i can only do as good as my skills allow. sometimes that is not enough and i am not some perfect human being. i am only your father.

i do know one thing- if i had divorced your mother 10 years ago, i would have missed 10 years of your life, and i'm glad i didn't do that.

jaclyn, you also stated that me and your mother will never get along well. that we will always yell and argue. well, i have to tell you i think as time goes on, me and your mother will get along better and better. i will do my part and so will your mother. this i truly hope. i think that it can and will happen.

for myself, i feel that this time of my life is the most difficult, as i have everyone in the family depending on me. i am responsible for everyone's welfare. do you want me to give up? is that what you think i should have done 10 years ago? i can't abandon my family and not care about you, marcia, and your mother. i made a committment to her and to you and marcia. i can't walk away from this family and not see my goals come to fruition. and i will not take the easy way out. just like that song said, "you have to go through hell to get to heaven" is how i see this phase of my life. finally, i hope i have been a good father to you and that you remember some good things about me. don't be so hard on me and your mother, she gave you life and we both love you.

your father