This has been a week of being miserable. Maybe it really is just the hormones, or maybe I have legitimate reasons to feel beyond overwhelmed, but I have been crying or near tears almost all week. I went to see a daycare on Monday morning, and it was the saddest place in the entire world. Saddest, and most depressing- basically like a baby prison. And it hit me, hard. I have begun to think that I have no right to have a child. I'll be working full time, and my kid won't know me from the strangers that spend all day with him. And, on top of that, daycare is absolutely, positively unaffordable. It's about $13,000 per year. And I don't know about you, but at the end of the year, I most definitely do not have an extra $13,000 laying around. Of course maybe that's thinking too big and scary. But at the end of the month, I most certainly don't have an extra $1,000+ laying around.
How the heck are we going to manage this? Should we have waited even longer, until I was so entrenched in my thirties that it came to a now-or-never kind of fertility standoff? Of course, I feel guilty for thinking this way, since the kid is inside me as we speak, innocently growing and wriggling around and making my belly quiver with its movements. I guess I should say, I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry for thinking these awful thoughts and being afraid of how you will change my life and wondering if wanting you so badly and making you and growing you wasn't maybe the right thing to do.
Am I a terrible person? Am I just stressed and hormonal? Are these thoughts forgivable? Am I the only pregnant woman to be scared and terrified and feeling almost completely hopeless? Is this normal? Is it okay? And will everything BE okay? Will we make it work, and will my kid still love me even if he/she's stuck in baby prison for forty hours per week? And if, on top of that, I can't afford the bills to baby prison? THEN WHAT?
Somebody reassure me. Please.
3 comments:
First off, I've never heard of a pregnant woman freaking out.
Now that we got that out of the way, I've been told that freaking out is a pretty good sign that you will be a Parent Who Takes Parenting Seriously. Granted, you are now officially OUT of the running for the Coolest Person In The Room category (aka Douche Bag), but you were never much of a contender.
I can't wait to see Mama Jackie, facial tics and all. I wish I had something more inspiring to say. How about this: I'd trust you with my kid.
Dan
This is all completely , normal thoughts to have when you are having a child. yes, none of us have an extra $13,000 laying around, but things work out in the end.
As naive as that sounds.
Brian and I work as hard as we can, we budget as much as we can. In the end, we ended up finding a day care provider that was affordable and nice at the same time. You will find someone who is good and kind to your kid. And one that will not break the bank. Good luck . : )
My god, do I love reading your blog. Pregnancy is the best thing that could have ever happened to it. It's kinda like what they say about sitcoms and weddings, that the episodes with weddings get way bigger ratings. I think pregnancy may be to blogs what weddings are to sitcoms. This is really stellar material. I suppose this is cold comfort in that your life, fun as it is to read about, is not a sitcom at all and that you, the character of the blog, are in fact a real person with problems and consequences that will not wrap up in a half hour segment of programming with soft, reassuring music as you have a chat with Chris to sort out the confusion of the day and set things straight.
Regardless, it's really great material.
And I think I've just been unintentionally referring to a Jeff Franklin-produced TGIF program, which is unfortunate.
I bet Jeff Franklin will be disappointed as he reads this post after it turns up when he googles himself as he must be accustomed to doing every half hour or so.
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