I am bloated. Big time. Somebody told me that your metabolism slows down every seven years, which, at 28, would mean that I've recently passed another seven year mark. Maybe that's why I feel fat. Either that or my devil-may-care diet or complete and utter disregard for exercise and/or activities that involve moving. Whatever it is, I'm not liking it. I feel like I'm full of jelly. I feel like I'm dangerously close to splitting my pants. Which pair of pants, you ask? All of them. Even the ones I haven't worn in weeks.

I even took one of those gas pills on Saturday, the gas pills that Jessie bought for Chris for his thirtieth birthday as a way of saying ha ha, you're old as sin and will soon have a need for these. The gas pill did nothing. As a sidenote, Jessie purchased a bottle of senior citizen vitamins for Chris (as part of that same joke) that I've also been diligently taking. Why let vitamins go to waste? Why should senior citizens have all of the nutrients and the rest of us, none?

Anyway, I'm sitting here right now with my pants unbuttoned while I stare at my computer monitor. It's quite a sight. Somebody peering in my windows might assume that I'm a pervert. But, no. It's not that. I'm just fat. And by fat, I mean bloated. Fat sounds permanent; bloated sounds temporary. Please, let this be temporary. I am not in a position to be financing a new wardrobe.

1. I just tried to submit a review to Netflix, but they blocked my submission since apparently the word "porno" isn't allowed in their reviews. To be clear, the movie WASN'T a porno, but, as my review states, I thought the movie might turn into a porno at some point (and a pretty decent one at that), but, nonetheless, I had to go back and turn the word porno into porn. All in all, I found that mildly humorous. Why block the word "porno?" I think it's a perfectly legitimate word. Don't you?

2. Chris and I looked into renting cars for our upcoming vacation. I think it was Thrifty or Avis that gave us the choice to rent a "wildcard." For one low, flat fee, we could book the wildcard and then be completely and totally surprised on the day we go to pick up our ride. Part of me, the part of me that lives dangerously, really wanted to book the wildcard. The other part of me, the intelligent part of me that knows the wildcard is most definitely a huge, gas guzzling SUV (or an '88 Taurus), turned down that option pretty quick. But I'll always wonder about what could have been. I'll always wonder. Wildcard, bitches.

And this is one of many reasons why I love my neighbor, Heather! The production value of The Chin Ups' first three attempts is a little low, but fear not- we have big, hilarious plans for the future!

I recently realized that I could use my camera to take videos. This has, of course, opened up a whole new form of communication for me. As I don't currently have anything really interesting to record, however, I decided to just post a quick video of something that I occasionally enjoy doing around the house. That's right- shaking my butt to a little something called "China Grove." Enjoy.

Chicago Area Held Frostage

Temperatures could remain below zero until Friday afternoon

That's the headline on the Trib's site this morning. Whoever came up with "frostage" should be fired. Worst example of professional journalism I have ever seen.

This has been a tough week. It took me two hours to get to work yesterday due to the snow. Tuesday, I crawled up Ela at ten miles per hour and still managed to fishtail on the ice. Monday, the anticipation just about killed me.

Which brings me to today. Frostage. Unbelievable.

Hey Dex. Stop sending me phonebooks. It's irresponsible of you. I don't want them, I never asked for them, and I'm not 90 years old. I just signed up on this site, so hopefully you'll get the message. If not, then at least I tried.

YellowPagesGoesGreen

How does unemployment work? Do you have to get fired in order to be eligible, or can you just quit and sign up? Have I ever told you what my dream come true would be? A severance package. Like, two years paid salary plus benefits, and I get to pack up my desk and leave right now. Do severance packages generally last for about two years and include benefits? I would certainly hope so- we are talking about my dream here, after all.

The Cheese and I are planning a much needed vacation. I'm so excited, I can barely hold in my pee. I won't tell you where or when we're going until we come back (I'm afraid of people finding out I'm on my vacay and then robbing my house), but let's just say we're going somewhere awesome sometime in the next, let's just say, two years. I'll let you know how it goes. I mean, it's not a super awesome place, or anything, but it's not here, so that's a huge bonus. And we're not actually leaving the country since "exchanging currency" sounds like a monster of a disaster in both math and customer service. And it's not your typical tourist trap, which is precisely why I want to go. Anyway, I've already said too much. Giddy up, and get back to me on that unemployment thing.

We had some peeps over for New Year's, and it just hit me that I did most of my favorite things that night. I ate, I drank, we played a board game, some poker, and then performed some late night karaoke. This leads me to believe that 2009 will be pretty good. Of course, if I could have taken some time out of the night to read a novel and watch a movie, then that would have been ALL of my favorite things, but I was trying to be a good hostess, and, plus, I was tipsy and probably couldn't have concentrated that well on plot and character.

I'm trying to watch more foreign movies, since my Net-flix account has indicated that I've already seen all of the American movies. The only problem with foreign films is that I can't help but feel that I'm the butt of the joke. That the dialogue is poorly translated just to purposefully cut me out of inside jokes between the peoples of other culture. I just watched this Italian flick called "Bread and Tulips" that is supposed to be an award winning comedy. I enjoyed the movie, but I didn't know it was a comedy until after I watched it and read some reviews. This leads me to believe that either the movie was poorly translated- on purpose- so that I would feel dumb or- and this is the more desirable option- that other cultures simply have terrible senses of humor. I'm trying to be open minded about other countries having decent senses of humor, though, so I'm more inclined to think that I'm correct in my assumption that movies are translated sloppily just so that I will feel insecure. Is it too much to ask for a little respect?