I've been doing quite a bit of research lately about Los Angeles County and the Santa Clarita area. This, of course, is for no particular reason except for my unending pursuit of knowledge and my impending interview for a new game show called "So You Think You Know A Lot About Some Random Town." I hear the host is Ryan Seacrest.

I thought I would share some of the more interesting tid-bits I've come across. A lot of it is not necessarily informative, but interesting nonetheless.

1. I found a job on Monster for an assistant manager position at some townhome complex. The second requirement of this job was:

Must be able to walk both flat and sloped surfaces.

Must be able to walk...? This made me laugh out loud, because I could imagine myself at the interview sheepishly admitting, "I can handle flat surfaces okay, but sloped surfaces.... I don't know, I'm still practicing." I would spend the entire interview focusing on the different degrees of inclination I might be asked to navigate. And, of course, I would show up wearing my "interviewing suit" (the one without the ketchup stains) and a brand new pair of cleats.

2. There are earthquakes all the freaking time out along the coast. What's up with that? Just recently, I was told that earthquakes are a myth. Now I see that they happen about every ten minutes.

I wonder how these earthquakes will affect my ability to walk sloped surfaces.

3. A local golf course is often used for episodes of "Yes, Dear" on CBS. I'm ashamed to admit that I watch "Yes, Dear" on a regular basis, but I do, and it's funny. And now I'll be a shoo-in to be an extra. Do I hear "Curly Haired Golf Caddy #1" in my future?

4. The following is a list of things, on average, that are cheaper in Los Angeles than Chicago.

Vet Services- So now I have an inexpensive way to get Chris groomed.

Phone Service- Landline, shmandline.

Boys Jeans- Okay, good to know, I suppose.

Hair Cuts- This didn't seem right, unless there's a disproportionate group of people out west using flow-bees.

Beer- Finally, news I can use!

Bowling- This is surely a Lebowski thing.

Crisco- But I only use extra-virgin Crisco.

Potatoes- That's fabulous.

Ground Beef- Okay.

Hamburger- I suppose this can be different than ground beef.

Sweet Peas- On average, seven cents less. Again, good to know.

Everything else costs more.

5. I heard somewhere that Tracey Gold of TV's "Growing Pains" lives in Santa Clarita, but an internet search would not verify that. Fuck it, though, I'm going with it.

Okay, I'm bored of this now.

The I.T. guy at work sent out a bankwide email regarding the threat of avian flu. Apparently, we are preparing for an all-out pandemic, and the bank needs to know if we would be prepared to work from home if we get ill. I don't understand how the hell I'm supposed to work from home; am I going to open checking accounts and cds from the comfort of my living room? Are my worst-nightmare customers going to show up at my front door demanding that I reverse some fees? Also, I don't understand why the I.T. guy thinks opening accounts is going to be my biggest priority should I fall ill with the bird flu. Has the entire world gone mad?

this about sums it up:

cost of living calculations.

of course, i think of a winter without digging my car out of three feet of snow, and the choice seems clear. then i think of trying to say good-bye to my dad, and suddenly i'm willing to dig my car out of six feet of snow.

i love making major decisions. it's my strong point.

i got highlights yesterday. you'd think by now i would have learned to just leave my hair color alone; i've so many different mishaps involving bleach and dye that i'm surprised i'm not bald. i'm not sure how these highlights look; chris has made it clear that he likes me au natural, but au natural is a dark brown frizz ball. he doesn't like my hair straight or lightened. maybe that's why subconsciously i want it straight and light??

i had a dream last night in which i was hosting a movie night. i had a projector and a screen, and i was trying to play that simpsons intro that uses real people. technical difficulties ensued, and everybody left before i could even get the damn thing playing. i was so disappointed and depressed that i just sat down to watch old family movies, which is interesting, because i have no old family movies. back when i was little and everyone and their dog were getting camcorders, my father stated that he'd never get one, that as time went on, he didn't want to be reminded of how old we kids were getting. i guess it would be kind of depressing, sitting around watching your eight year old daughter open christmas gifts when, in reality, she's almost thirty and has hardened her heart to the point where christmas is just another day off work, like memorial or president's day.

a lot of things are up in the air concerning our future, mine and chris'. we'll be together, of course, but where will we live and work? i've been thinking a lot about having kids. clearly, i won't be doing this for another two or three years, but it's amazing that it's almost "time," that i'm getting to the point where it's not the distant future, but the nearer future. i want a family. i want a kid before i'm thirty. it's strange to think about this, but i can see that within the next couple of years, i'll be ready. it's not as scary a thought that it once was.

got to go to work. what kind of asshole works on a saturday?

after yesterday's disaster of a bridal shower, i have diagnosed myself with a new disease. this is different than the time i diagnosed myself with a brain tumor (just needed new glasses) or skin cancer (it wasn't a mole, it was chocolate) or male pattern baldness (i'm not male, and despite how much hair i lose during stressful times, i still seem to have an adequate amount left)-- this time, i think i've hit upon something.

social anxiety disorder. yes, you've heard it here first. i was so uncomfortable yesterday in front of all those people that i felt like crying, and eventually i did cry a little, much to my embarrassment. i hate being the center of attention. i hate crowds of people that i barely/do not at all know. it was all much too overwhelming, and although the shower was supposed to be a way for my family to say "hey, we love you, look what we're doing for you," i took it as "hey, we know this will make you miserable, ha ha ha, in your face."

never again. if i get pregnant, and i catch wind that somebody wants to throw me a baby shower, i will promptly whack them in the head with one of the ten pound candle holders that i got yesterday.

and we did get a lot of nice gifts, so for that i am grateful. i just feel bad that i may have acted UN-grateful, or rude. i wish i could have just explained my feelings, preferably in a letter. it's not you, it's me. thank you, but i'm too shy and nervous to express my thanks. it's all very nice, but i'm sweating through my sweater right now, so i can't lift my arms to hug you.

argh.

thankfully, it's over. that's the bright side. the not so bright side is that my wedding day is in a month, and i'll have the same problem to deal with. i hope my bridesmaids have the foresight to get me drunk by 3 pm. then i'll be fine. although i did have three cocktails at the shower, and that didn't do much to ease my nerves. did you know that drinking at a social function in order to relax is a sign of alcoholism? yeah, i heard that too.

i have been a very bad blogger. this is because the amount of stress in my life has increased exponentially. i have about 35 days until the wedding. 35 days! what's up with THAT?

also, i've been intraviewing for the intranet position at the bank, a position in which i am very intrasted. see how i did that with the "intra" prefix? nice.

here at the bank, i have created a scale. this measures what the customer is carrying against how much of a pain in the ass it's going to be to assist them. here's the scale.

carrying nothing- piece of cake.
carrying statement- should be fine.
carrying envelope- no real cause for alarm, but this will definitely take more than 5 minutes.
carrying file folders- this is not good.
carrying brief case- this is REALLY not good.
carrying lap top- better get out the rosary, this one's a doozy.

it's not really a scientific scale, but it's about as accurate and helpful as the homeland security scale, so what else do you really need?

while looking for cake toppers online, i came across this gem:

they're holding handguns! and the groom is on his cell phone calling in his next hit!

sold!

i am all by myself and i have had a full bottle of wine to drink, and boy was it good. i watched 3 full episodes of "the sopranos" and talked to my future sister-in-law for an hour on the phone, and i also had a sandwich. all in all, a decent night.

jesus fucking christ, i'm getting married in just over a month. who the hell am i? it's amazing, sometimes, when i stop to think about it. me, a married woman. what's up with that? years ago, i assumed i would never get married. i would be the old woman with a thousand cats. i guess i never took into consideration how damn attractive and smart and funny i am.

and then there's chris. my chris. i love him so much. it's funny; i always thought i would end up with a different sort of guy. he would be moody and artistic and always ready to tell me how much of a fuck up i was. this was my ideal guy. but then chris comes along, so even keel and practical and the kind of guy that wanted to give me nothing but love. so i said, fuck it, this is even better.

i'm applying for a new job at the bank. the title is "intranet content administrator." it would basically be like blogging for the bank. and i can do that! i mean, christ, i'm a champion blogger. the pay would be awesome, i'd be in the marketing department, and i wouldn't have to deal with customers. i know html, i'm a decent writer, and, goddammit, i want this job. so i have FOUR interviews lined up for wednesday. four in a row. and if i can keep my head about me, then i just might have a chance. i'm meeting with the computer guys and the marketing guys etc. dreamweaver? yeah, fuck, i can learn that. did i mention i'm a champion blogger?

i'm happy. i really am. i realized that i've come a long way since moving up to the nw suburbs. whether or not i want to admit it, i've made a lot of friends and have established a life for myself. it'll kill my father when i tell him i'm not moving back. but what am i supposed to do? move back to tinley park so i'm closer for sunday dinner? quit my job and make chris quit his? get yet another rental? start all over in a town that i was never happy in? i don't know. my poor dad. he wants me back so bad but i just feed his head with lies. yeah, i'm coming back. yeah, don't worry about it. yeah, it'll be like old times again.

i live here now. get used to it.

i'm drunk. i have to go.

Saturday night was spent with Lauren and Kim; they threw me the world's smallest bridal shower, and it was one of the nicest gestures ever. I didn't really expect gifts- I thought the three of us would hang out and eat and drink, but when I arrived at Kim's place, there were presents stacked on the table. Pinot Noir glasses. A decanter. A box with a picture of the new Zelda game in (expect ship date May 15). Beautiful flowers. I was so touched. I guess I'm not as unlikable as I had once assumed.

Yesterday, I finally got around to picking out a song for the Father/Bride dance. As a joke, I thought "You Can Call Me Al" would have been an appropriate choice, considering that's my dad's name, but in the end I picked a real tear-jerker. Man, there's not going to be a dry eye in the house. And if you come to my wedding and don't shed a tear during the Father/Bride dance, then you're a real cold-hearted hard-ass.

Chris and I invented a recipe last night, by accident. The last part of the recipe, after dumping in a whole lot of ricotta cheese into a pan filled with zucchini, mushrooms, and tomatoes, is to scream back and forth about who ruined dinner. You ruined dinner by putting ricotta in. No, YOU ruined dinner by not taking the ricotta out. On and on the the blame game should go until you sit down to eat, taste your meal, and exclaim, "Wow, this is pretty damn good."

In Soprano-related news, I've got less than a week to watch twenty episodes before season six begins. You say it can't be done? I say, don't bother me, I've got a date with the couch.

My head feels like it's filled with oatmeal. Yesterday, I sneezed fifteen times in a row. My voice has taken on a Lauren Bacall quality. And no matter how hard I blow my nose, there seems to be no end in sight for the gunk within.

I would have used a sick day at work, except for the fact that I am going to try to go through the whole year without once calling in. You heard me. How else can I be "Banker of the Year" unless, above all else, I achieve perfect attendance. Also, I am going to work on several other aspects of my professionalism. Here is a list, starting with item number 24.

24. Use the word "may" instead of "can."
25. Use the words "yes," "certainly," and "of course," instead of "yeah."
26. Work on penmanship.
27. Don't lose patience with the elderly.
28. Shake more hands despite crippling fear of germs. Surround desk with squirt bottles of hand sanitizer so that a clean hand is no further than an arm's length away in any random direction.
29. Anticipate drippy nose and stock tissues accordingly, as to avoid that embarrassing swipe with the finger above the upper lip. Refer back to hand sanitizer squirt bottles.
30. Get promotion, ASAP, or become soap opera writer per personal fantasy.

Sometimes I feel like an imposter. Everybody thinks so highly of me at work, and sometimes I just want to scream, "Don't give me any more credit! I'm as big a slacker as the rest of them, only I know how to hide with the right facial expressions." That look of concentration? It's just gas.

I'm not actually an imposter. But due to low self esteem, sometimes I feel like it.