everywhere i look, it's back-to-school this and back-to-school that. even though i haven't had to go to school in three years now, that familiar feeling of antsiness is beginning to creep on me. i'm waking up in cold sweats, asking myself, "did i remember to buy all of my number two pencils?" and "what am i going to do if my teacher thinks i'm stupid?" part of me always looked forward to going back to school, because there was always a possibility that the upcoming year would be my best year yet. maybe this year i'd date the captain of the football team or obtain a highly paid internship. it wouldn't be until mid-october when the disappoint would fully set in and i would realize no, this wasn't the year of being spectacular, it was just another year of inadequacies and mild constipation.

i remember the night before i started high school as clearly as i can remember what i ate this morning for breakfast. my parents were both at work, marcia was down the block playing with her friend, and i carefully prepared a dinner for myself consisting of tuna and tomato on toasted wheat bread with a side of bugles. remember bugles? they came in a box that made them look like they could possibly be cereal, but when you made the mistake of pouring some bugles into a bowl and adding milk, it was barf city, population you. i mean, me. the old jackie harris vehicle "sister, sister," was on the television set, and tia and tamara were also getting ready for their first day of high school. i was excited and nervous and panicky and nauseous and sweaty. i ate my tuna sandwich in front of the tv, but i kept bopping up to check my clothes or my skinny, sickly reflection in the mirror. i kept thinking that since i was starting high school, my body would start to fill out any day, and i would automatically be a "b" cup by, say, labor day. at the age of 25, i am still only an "a." i guess i still have a few more weeks until this labor day to plump up, but, at this point in my life, it would be much too big a pain to have to buy all new bras.

where was i going with this?

so there was always the hope and anxiousness, but i think i truly thought that high school was going to be a positive thing, that i'd have nice boobs and a nice boyfriend and the kind of high school experience you only read about in young adult novels where all the main characters are likable and popular. instead, my experience was more like a young adult novel where all the main characters end up in correctional institutions. of course, i exaggerate; i finally found a groove i fit into, and now i wouldn't change a thing. however, it saddens me to think of that night, me and my tuna sandwich and sitcom. all the things i wanted and thought i would have. all the freaking tuna i used to eat.

i haven't gone back to school in three years. instead i just go back to work. every morning. for the rest of my life.