when i ring this bell, you will be a banana

i have decided to learn self hypnosis. there are a variety of things i think self hypnosis could help me achieve. here is a list.

1. sleep better.
2. effectively ignore the neighbors.
3. help change the color of my aura from a murky grey to a sunny yellow.
4. make me cluck like a chicken when the doorbell rings.

this decision comes after weeks upon weeks of pure, unadulterated rage boiling up inside of me due to the upstairs neighbors clomping around too much and keeping me awake at night. i can't go up and tell them not to walk around because (a) they're not doing anything unreasonable (they're just heavy, heavy walkers) and (b) i don't think they understand english anyhow. i have spent the better part of this last month banging on the ceiling with whatever banging utensil i am able to get my hands on: remote control, lint brush, grey's anatomy, tennis shoe, rump roast. i can't spend the next five months putting dents in my personal objects. thus, i have made the choice to fix the problem by working within. also, i will purchase better quality ear plugs, since the dollar store ear plugs i got a while ago seem to be causing some strange ear infection.

in other news, i am now beginning a campaign to bring my best friend carole home to chicago. carole, think of all the things chicago has that new york doesn't. here's a short list.

1. me.
2. cheaper martinis.

okay, that's all i have. but if you come home, then i can promise you this: all of your wildest dreams will come true.