$$$$

i think that, instead of dollars and coins, we should make mustard our currency. instead of wallets, we can carry around containers of french's mustard. "that'll be one squeeze," the guy at the bookstore will say when you purchase your magazine. he'll stretch out his hand as you prepare to plotz mustard all over it.

the spare change we keep in our pockets would translate into little pools of mustard in our jeans and jackets. we would probably have to start lining our pockets with saran wrap to prevent major staining. finding a discarded sandwich would be like finding a scratched instant win ticket in the street. is it a winner? is it full of mustard?

birthday cards would contain not checks but yellow smears. and only the very rich would eat egg and potato salads with wild abandon.