when irish eyes are drinking

i have a strong dislike for st. patrick's day. this is one holiday that has been deified for no good reason, as far as this italian girl is concerned. it's not that i have anything against the irish- it's quite the opposite. the irish are a good, strong, family-oriented people who have brought us not only shephard's pie, but an invigorating green soap and the lucky charms leprachaun, who, in return, brought us lucky charms. they are magically delicious.

i like to blame several grade school teachers for cultivating my distaste for this day, and those teachers know who they are. the fact that every classroom had to be adorned with big, glossy four leaf clovers was one thing. that, i could handle. it's the cheerful insistence that, on this day, everybody is irish is what really got to me. we're not all sicilian on st. joseph's day. martin luther king jr day rolls around, and we're not all black for a day. rosh hashanah pops up, and the star of david isn't up on the chalkboard while the teacher makes her students add "stein" to their name for a day. that's one of my teeth-grinding memories of st. patrick's day at my elementary school- everyone had to add an "o" or a "mc" to their name for a day. it was ri-goddamn-diculous, and it still boils my blood to think about it.

what i do like about st. patrick's day is that it's a day in the middle of march set aside solely for mass consumption of alcohol. what i don't like is seeing every asshole and their mother walking around with green glitter splotched all over their german or hispanic faces. speaking of hispanic, let's talk about cinco de mayo. there's a day i really can embrace, basically for the same "let's get drunk" reasons as st. patrick day. but, the difference here is that the general population is not crazy go nuts on pretending to be mexican on this particular day. cinco de mayo does not prompt grade school teachers to have everyone add an "ez" to the end of their last name. there's no face glitter involved. the bars are crowded- but not annoyingly packed- and not everyone is wearing the same color t-shirt. it's not even eleven am yet, and if i have to look at another green shirt, i'm going to barf.

anyhow, that's my rant for today. say what you will about me- but i will hold steadfast to my beliefs. and isn't that embracing the true spirit of olde st. patty?