cue "eye of the tiger"... now!

i need to get my ass in gear and get in shape. it's not that i need to lose weight; i just need to bulk up and be able to kick some ass at next week's jello wrestling contest. also, not losing breath from walking around the grocery store, or bending to pick up a nickel. i don't bend to pick up pennies. only nickels and the occasional discarded scratch-&-win. you just never know.

i've been thinking alot about what kind of exercise program i'd like to start. the apartment complex has a fitness center that i've never used; i wonder if i should start using it. i'm so finicky about exercising in a public place with other people. what if the machines are sweaty? what if i suffer from social embarrassment due to falling off the stationary bike? what if i spill water all over the weights? what if i look down while in the middle of using a treadmill and realize that i'm fully naked? it's too much stress for me to handle.

i think i will start jogging. but what if i jog a mile from home and then can't build up the strength to get back? will i die on the side of the road wearing ill-fitted shorts and, for some reason, the kind of forehead sweatband that bricklayers wear?

i would like to purchase my own workout equipment, but, let's be serious. i'm unwilling to spend cash on a haircut; i'm going to go out and drop a couple hundred for an ab cruncher? doubtful. it might be a good investment, though- i've been looking for a new place to drape my jeans.

or, somebody could build me a treadmill- much like this news article here. first they get all the peanuts, now this.