it just makes sense!

i ordered a promotional video from the people at the see clearly method. apparently by devoting only five minutes a day to a series of eye exercises, i can reduce or eliminate my need for glasses or contacts. sound too good to be true? chances are there's a reason for that, although i suppose i'm in no position to bad-mouth these guys without giving it a fair chance. the thing is, i have awful vision. if i were to take out my contacts and somehow find my way into the middle of the street, i would not be able to discern a semi-truck barrelling down on me until after the bumper had knicked me. on days when i can't wear my contacts due to various eye infections (and i do seem to contract a lot of those, must be an allergy to oxygen), i get into the shower without my glasses (because who showers with glasses on?) and have so much trouble locating the soap and shampoo that i end up finally exiting the shower only after missing at least two meals and a handful of delivery men, some who come bearing pie.

anyhow, i watched this video and thought, what if it does work? i have no delusions that it would completely cure my vision, but what if it helps improve it? you know what that would mean? i'd be at the eye doctor every other week paying for eye exams and contacts of lessening strengths. the cost of all this would add up, not to mention the cost of the see clearly method. it doesn't seem economically feasible to have increasingly better vision. better to just have poor vision and pay for only one eye exam and one supply of contacts. am i right?

the visual aids that they include in the see clearly method do look enticing, though. what i wouldn't give to have a bunch of eye patches, eye charts, and a little see clearly helper monkey to get me through the tougher days. then again, i'd probably put the eye patch on the monkey as a gag, and then let him poop on the eye charts. then what would i be paying for? a half blind monkey and a bunch of shit-smeared charts? you really have to think these things through.

also, i could see myself getting cocky. "i'm on the see clearly method! i'm going to work without my contacts today!" then i'd stumble off to somebody else's car and try to open their locks with not a key but a breadstick. if i did make it to work, everyone would be wondering why i was wearing a sweatshirt with kittens on it, a pair of chris' pants, and mittens on my feet. "i had a hard time seeing," i might admit as i try to log onto my computer using a stray banjo. "but, don't worry. i have a helper monkey." cue the monkey, swaggering in with his eye patch and perhaps a bottle of rum.

"it just makes sense that it works," the optometrists in the video stressed a number of times as i watched. something was making sense, that was for sure. i slipped my contact away from my iris and stared at the television screen with only one blurry eye, my contact outfitted eye shut tightly. the world became a smear of color and abstract shape, and i nearly fell off the couch from lack of orientation. good times. i blinked my contact back into place, turned off the vcr, and decided that there were worse things than being nearly legally blind. like federal taxes and car trouble.