there's a fun game i play called "guess what they must be thinking." there is no scoring to this game, and you never can tell if you're winning or losing. the thing is, there's only first place and last place. i have yet to issue any kind of ribbons, which is a shame since i love ribbons. also crowns, plaques, and trophies.

here's how you play. you stew all by yourself in whichever chair or closet you may be slumped in and you try to guess what they must be thinking, about you. as the opinions and snide comments form in your opponent's head, you attempt to deduce what these thoughts might be. i've been playing quite a bit lately, especially at my new place of employment. here's what a solid round of game play is looking like:

what they must be thinking...

i bet she can't count higher than fifty.

that shy, uncertain smile is surely a sign of inner defeat. she's probably going straight home after work to devour two whole pies while watching 'three's company' reruns on tvland.

just looking at that disgusting zit on her chin makes me feel like i need to bathe.

listen to this asshole asking about home equity loans when she can barely manage giving out directions.

what's her experience in? eyeglasses? oh, god, we've got a live one.

i'd swear she was contemplating adding herself as a beneficiary to that old couple's account if i didn't know better. wait a minute, i *don't* know better. i should probably call h.r. about her, just to make sure.

she keeps nodding when i explain these complicated regulations, but you can totally tell she's thinking about lunch. and it's only nine in the morning.

the thing about this game is that you can't let anyone know you're playing it. you can't start grinning and say, "wait, let me guess. you were just wondering if the fact that i'm wearing orange socks is indicative of my mental state. am i right? am i right?" see, if you do this, then it's a whole other game entirely, and this game is called, "guess how much longer it is until you've alienated yourself so much that they say you can't come within 500 feet of the building." that one's a little more complicated, just because it involves a calendar. and a tape measure.

eventually, i'll get tired of "guess what they must be thinking," but only when "what they must be thinking" ends up being, "i think i'll go out and buy jook a pony, because she's so damn friendly and competent." once i know i'm liked, this game will not be as enjoyable in that whole mentally destructive and debilitating kind of way.

of course, then i'll have to guess what color pony.