frequently asked questions

q: is it true that you were once attacked by a 600 lb white tiger while performing in las vegas?

a: um, i think you're thinking of roy horn....

q: pardon me. don't you have a great idea for a book?

a: yes. it's the typical boy meets girl, girl somehow becomes a rattlesnake, child gets bitten in wal-mart type story.

q: don't you just love college football?

a: not as much as i love, say, a good swift kick in the kneecaps.

q: tell me about your stance on maps?

a: i like all of my maps to be pre-louisiana purchase. things were so much simpler then. plus, i dislike most of the dakotas.

q: what's the deal with your height to weight ratio?

a: it's all messed up. i'm just a hair under 5'8'', and i'm 104 lbs, fully clothed. i used to think this was a good thing, but i am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that i have very tiny bones, much like a sickly baby bird. my wrists are smaller than most ten year olds, and i'm certain to grow into one of those old ladies who are constanty snapping their hip bones while doing such routine activities as fetching my bran from the cupboard. sad, really.

q: how much, exactly, do you owe to visa?

a: i'm proud to say i don't owe visa a cent. after a few balance transfers, however, american express is now lovingly referring to me as their "bitch."

q: who's this "cheese" guy you keep referring to?

a: the cheese is my fiancee. funny story about how he got that nickname, although he currently is not allowing me to call him "the cheese." acceptable names are "chris," "baby," or "sweetcheeks."

q: have you ever considered teaching?

a: as i have a lot of knowledge to share, yes. i think the world as a whole would benefit from a few of the courses i'm interested in teaching. such pending class titles include, "the impact of airing 'saved by the bell' during prime time" with a two month period devoted solely to how screech managed to go into one locker and pop out another; "a brief history of pants;" "faking literacy for fun and profit" which would, clearly, require not a single textbook; and a survey class in "simple medical procedures gone insanely awry: how one man contracted both syphillis and epilepsy during a routine throat culture." i'd also like to teach a class on cloning hot dogs.

q: so tell me- what is barbara walters really like?

a: oh, she's nice. a little intrusive when it comes to my political connections, but nice nonetheless. strangest thing- she's allergic to delaware.

q: what's the best way to break a long, awkward silence?

a: usually with a loud, wet burp.

q: have you considered going on 'the apprentice?'

a: no, but i've considered starting my own show, 'the personal slave.' six healthy young males compete to become my personal slave for life. such qualifying tasks would include rubdowns with body oils and shampooing the carpet.

q: uh, which carpet do you mean?

a: the one on the floor, you twat.

q: one last question: have you ever considered earning your degree in accounting via mail correspondence?

a: who hasn't?