Could the song "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" be just a little bit more falsely advertised? I only counted, like five ways at best. Plus, it appears that your name has to rhyme with whatever method of leaving you happen to choose. "Just slip out the back, Jack." "Make a new plan, Stan." If I were to leave my lover, I'd have to "kick him in the nut sackie... Jackie." For Chris? "Open her purse and take a piss.... Chris." Anyhow, Simon's lack of creativity is not the issue here. The chinaman is not the issue. This issue is.... I just realized I'm writing with proper capitalization. Could that be because I've been working on my story all morning, typing it out with actual capital letters as to make it more publish-friendly? It just might, you son of a bitch. It just might.

I got this book from the library with over 200 hundred writing exercises meant to inspire and help kill time between snacks. As a sidenote, I love the library, and it doesn't even bother me that certain surveys reveal that up to 92% of library patrons take the books into the bathroom with them. I'm okay with that! I do it, too. I'm surprised most people don't contract major diseases just from borrowing "The Color Purple."

And now no one's going to want to lend me their books.

Anyhow, I got this book from the library, and some of these exercises are pretty damn good. They're meant to be used with ideas and characters that you already have in mind; they're not just like "Write about a childhood experience involving ducks" or some shit. Or, my all time favorite, "Imagine that you're at a carnival." Whenever I imagine that I'm at the carnival, I inevitably end up fighting with the guy who runs the teacups. Because he's such a goddamn asshole for dumping my cousin. Anyhow, I would recommend this book to anyone who aspires to write. I will not, however, let you know what the title it, because I want to be a better writer than you are.

"Imagine there are fifty ways to leave your lover, and every way has to rhyme with a certain name. Does that indeed mean that Sylvester gets one last chance to molest her? Write a paragraph describing this scene."