yesterday as i was leaving work, it was raining so hard that i thought i'd have to swim to my car. i was going to resign myself to getting soaked and just make a mad dash out to the old girl when erica, another old girl, says to me, "let's make a poncho for you out of a garbage bag." what a fantastic idea! so i get an oversized garbage bag and put it on over my head. it's so huge that it covers my entire body, just leaving my feet exposed at the bottom. i look like casper the friendly ghost, only more retarded. erica rips holes out for my eyes. she asks, "do you want holes for your arms?"

i say, "no, because then my arms will get wet." what's the point of wearing a garbage bag only to have your arms get soaked?

i can barely see out of the holes; they keep shifting. i'm eager to get home, though, so i hurry out the front door into the rain. i'm a human garbage bag, without arms, racing through a storm. a car beeps at me. i go to raise my hands to it, but then since i have no holes for my arms, the whole garbage bag moves, and suddenly the eye holes are nowhere near close to my actual eyes. i can feel my ear getting wet. undaunted, i keep moving. i can kind of see out through the opaque-ish plastic, and i keep spinning the bag around my body until finally the holes are lined up again. by this time, i am at my car. i manage to open the door despite having rendered myself armless, and when i am in the car, i note that, except for that one ear, i am completely dry. the bag, however, is slick with water, and my car seats are soon drenched.

i sit there for a moment, then make arm holes in the bag and proceed to drive home, still wearing the bag.

well, i'm kidding about that last part. i slipped out of the bag and pulled out of my parking spot. this, however, is true: ten seconds later, it stopped raining completely. here i was wearing a trash bag when all i had to do was wait 1/6 of a minute.

hey, how was i to know?