i get the safe open, no problem. i set the alarm and try to get the hell out of there. the only problem is that my thumb is sore from all the nintendo i've been playing lately. attempting to turn the key with a swollen thumb is like trying to pull the sword from the stone. it takes me forever to finally get the door securely shut. i walk to my car and think, "that went well." i begin to drive away.

suddenly, i ask myself, "what's that siren noise?" i look in my rearview mirror and see that a bunch of little red and blue lights that i didn't even know my store was equipped with are flashing out of control. shit. the goddamn alarm is waking up the entire northwest suburbs. i slam my car into park and race to the door, my nintendo thumb aching as i desperately try to unlock the door. all around me, lights are flashing and sirens are blaring.

inside the phone is ringing. i punch the code into the alarm's key pad and then answer the telephone, still remembering to use the phone script. i even ask if they want to schedule an eye exam.

"this is the security dude," says the security dude, "what the hell's going on?"

my heart is pounding. "i have nintendo thumb," i blurt. "i mean... i set the alarm... off... instead of giving us thirty seconds to get the door locked, i really think you people should allow, like, ten minutes. fifteen, even."

sigh. yet another thing i have to explain to my manager, on top of why i used his toothbrush to clean the floor tiles. but who keeps their toothbrush at work?