health class

today a patient told me he had gout. for some reason, not knowing what gout exactly is, i associated it with the clap. there are, i now know, marked differences.

• gout is a rheumatic disease. the clap is gonorrhea. gonorrhea is not a rheumatic disease.



• gout affects the joints- mostly in the feet- while the clap affects a man's wiener. you do not get the clap in your feet or gout in your wiener.



• you get the clap from having sex, while, from what i understand, even virgins can get gout.



• the clap causes tender testicles. gout causes tender joints. the testicles are not considered joints. so, while you have the gout, your testicles may be fine.



• if you have gout, they say you should avoid red meat, shellfish, and beans. those with the clap can still enjoy the red meat, shellfish, and bean buffet down at the sizzler, yet should probably avoid intercourse with me or any of my friends. those with gout can still have intercourse with me or any of my friends... but, come to think of it, probably not.

the clap and gout do have one thing in common, dear students:

• gout symptoms may be triggered by too much alcohol. the clap symptoms may be triggered by too much alcohol as well... when the alcohol leads to a one night stand with kiki the bar whore.

join me for our next session when we discuss the differences between a gun shot wound and the flu.