stuff i'd like to learn to do, if i wasn't so lazy:

1. cook. they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, which is bad advice if you're trying to stab someone, but probably good advice if you're trying to keep your boyfriend. i have never cooked for chris. i fear one day he's going to run off with julia child or emeril.

also, the way to JACKIE'S heart is through her stomach. and i really want to establish a better relationship with myself.

2. sew. i'd like to make my own clothes. i have no delusions that they would actually look good, these clothes that i would make, but i would feel such a sense of accomplishment to be able to say, "see this one-armed sweater without the neckhole? yeah, i made this."

3. swim better. i can swim, but i tend to swim like elaine on seinfeld dances. you know what i'm talking about.

4. perform oral surgery. i'd like to give myself a root canal. half of the reason i'm putting off my root canal is my fear and dislike of dentists. i don't fear or dislike myself; i'd be the perfect candidate to give myself a root canal!

5. speak japanese. just for fun.