aminals

i will never own a big dog. big dogs run around sounding like elephants and oftentimes produce enough slobber to maybe take a bath in, if you were prone to bathing in slobber. medical experts usually don't advise doing so. they also produce other things, which i will graciously leave to your imagination.

i will never own a small dog, either, because small dogs always have a needy look on their face. i knew a girl who had a dog the size of a rat; i would probably step on such a dog, and then have to dispose of the body. i hear you're not supposed to flush dogs. only fish can be flushed. fish are so convenient.

i might own a cat, an aloof cat that suggests royalty in the way it steps around my various messes and snootily lifts its tiny cat head as if to say, "for shame!" cats are independent animals; they don't need you or love you. i, however, would win a cat's heart over by giving it an ultimatum. "if you don't adore me," i would tell it sternly, "i will not change your litter box or feed you 'fancy feast.'" cats go nuts for 'fancy feast.' at least, that's what the commercials tell you.

i would not own a gerbil, because gerbils are ridiculous. i do not want a bird, because birds chirp. they are like caged wind chimes, and we all know how annoying wind chimes can be. the kind of people that own wind chimes are the kind of people that would welcome the sound of a chirping bird at six in the morning. those kind of people can shampoo my crotch. also, condition.

i might be persuaded to own a pony, but only if i could lodge it properly, like in a stable, a tool shed, or tied out by my car. you can't mistreat a pony; ponies have mad connections. i would not mistreat my pony. i would give it shoes to wear- red pumps with delicate bows on them.