it didn't feel like christmas. then again, it hasn't felt like christmas for several years now. it's just felt like an extended weekend that i'm forced to spend with family, because the mall is closed.
sometimes i unbutton my pants too soon. specific incidents i'm thinking about involve using public washrooms, where i'm still a good twenty feet from the door, in the middle of the restaurant, and my pants are already undone. this happens mostly when i've had a little to drink. of course, i exaggerate; it's more like five feet away. and i usually only undo one or two buttons, or unzip just halfway, but i always catch myself and think, "good lord. what if the mayor is watching again?"
tomorrow we leave for virginia. this is all i see fit to write for now.
Dec 23, 2003
i am torn between hating my mother and finding some way to love her out of pity.
i think my sister is the most beautiful, and funniest, girl in the entire world.
my dad is wonderful. i wonder why he's still married to my mother, unless he justifies it with the aforementioned "pity" factor.
i hope no one ever loves me out of pity.
i hope my sister finds some way to move out, and away from mother, very soon.
i used to be jealous of my sister, because she was my mother's favorite. so, at some young point in my life, my mother was obviously pretty important. strange. i'm trying to pinpoint how old i was when i realized that my mother was severely wacked out. seven? eight?
i know i was always my dad's favorite when we were little. it was because i was so damn smart. also, i was the first born.
my dad used to give my mother an "allowance." i hope nobody ever gives me an "allowance." i wouldn't mind, however, giving my husband an "allowance." it's fun to be in control and make somebody beg you for an extra buck so they can supersize.
i kid. i think.
i'm afraid of having children for many reasons. one, the fact i have tiny hips and would probably be cracked in half if i had to push something out of me. two, vericose veins. three, being awakened in the night by a lot of crying. four, having to buy toys and food and immunizations and little socks and no-more-tears shampoo. but, most importantly, i'm afraid that i will turn into my mother, that my children will hate me, that i will not know how to properly love them and be exactly what they need.
people said i looked like my mother. i never saw it. i know i don't look like my dad, which, god bless him, is a good thing, but who the hell *do* i look like? anne frank, a little bit, but i don't think we have any relation to her.
thinking about my parents makes me want to cry. i don't know why. or do i? because i do pity my mother, because i don't think it's her fault that she's so fucking crazy, and because thinking about my dad, all he's done for me and my sister, all he's sacrificed- and how little i've done to show my appreciation- makes my heart hurt like it's being crushed by giant, all-knowing hands.
i think my sister is the most beautiful, and funniest, girl in the entire world.
my dad is wonderful. i wonder why he's still married to my mother, unless he justifies it with the aforementioned "pity" factor.
i hope no one ever loves me out of pity.
i hope my sister finds some way to move out, and away from mother, very soon.
i used to be jealous of my sister, because she was my mother's favorite. so, at some young point in my life, my mother was obviously pretty important. strange. i'm trying to pinpoint how old i was when i realized that my mother was severely wacked out. seven? eight?
i know i was always my dad's favorite when we were little. it was because i was so damn smart. also, i was the first born.
my dad used to give my mother an "allowance." i hope nobody ever gives me an "allowance." i wouldn't mind, however, giving my husband an "allowance." it's fun to be in control and make somebody beg you for an extra buck so they can supersize.
i kid. i think.
i'm afraid of having children for many reasons. one, the fact i have tiny hips and would probably be cracked in half if i had to push something out of me. two, vericose veins. three, being awakened in the night by a lot of crying. four, having to buy toys and food and immunizations and little socks and no-more-tears shampoo. but, most importantly, i'm afraid that i will turn into my mother, that my children will hate me, that i will not know how to properly love them and be exactly what they need.
people said i looked like my mother. i never saw it. i know i don't look like my dad, which, god bless him, is a good thing, but who the hell *do* i look like? anne frank, a little bit, but i don't think we have any relation to her.
thinking about my parents makes me want to cry. i don't know why. or do i? because i do pity my mother, because i don't think it's her fault that she's so fucking crazy, and because thinking about my dad, all he's done for me and my sister, all he's sacrificed- and how little i've done to show my appreciation- makes my heart hurt like it's being crushed by giant, all-knowing hands.
Dec 22, 2003
(pretend you see a picture of a map of north america, no labels, with a giant red star covering half of virginia)
i found this helpful map on how to get to norfolk, virginia. we just head down, and then make a left.
we've rented a car for our trip. the car we reserved is a "grand am or similiar." the similiar part bothers me. bikes are similiar to cars in that they have wheels. a blender is similiar to a car in that it has a motor. an apple is similiar to a grand am in that they both come in red.
so we'll see what we actually get when we go on saturday to pick up the car.
i'm glad chris and i feel the same about this trip. it may suck. norfolk may be boring as fuck. but we don't care. we'll be happy to drive fourteen hours and just glimpse the ocean, drink, and, you know, buy me some t-shirts.
remind me to print out my map before we go.
i found this helpful map on how to get to norfolk, virginia. we just head down, and then make a left.
we've rented a car for our trip. the car we reserved is a "grand am or similiar." the similiar part bothers me. bikes are similiar to cars in that they have wheels. a blender is similiar to a car in that it has a motor. an apple is similiar to a grand am in that they both come in red.
so we'll see what we actually get when we go on saturday to pick up the car.
i'm glad chris and i feel the same about this trip. it may suck. norfolk may be boring as fuck. but we don't care. we'll be happy to drive fourteen hours and just glimpse the ocean, drink, and, you know, buy me some t-shirts.
remind me to print out my map before we go.
Dec 20, 2003
according to this article, saddam could be a spokesman for dove moisturizing shampoo and palmolive soap. "even if you're hanging out in a spider hole, that's no excuse for your hair not to be soft and luxurious and your hands nice and smooth."
these two companies should jump on this opportunity. he also had lipton tea. i wonder if the lipton people know this.
then there's this link that sells the osama and hussein messenger bag, the saddam baby bib, and the "we got him" thong. the "we got him" thong. if there's one reference to somebody i don't want near my hooch, it would probably be a reference to saddam. also louie anderson.
these two companies should jump on this opportunity. he also had lipton tea. i wonder if the lipton people know this.
then there's this link that sells the osama and hussein messenger bag, the saddam baby bib, and the "we got him" thong. the "we got him" thong. if there's one reference to somebody i don't want near my hooch, it would probably be a reference to saddam. also louie anderson.
Dec 19, 2003
about 7 months ago, i wept because i was leaving behind my lenscrafters in the southern suburbs. i transferred up to a new store and proceeded to tell everyone how much i hated it because "everyone's so old," and "no one's any fun." today's my last day at this 2nd lenscrafters. yesterday, on my 2nd to last day, i could feel my eyes watering as i said good-bye to a few people. today, ladies and gentlemen, it may be all-out tears.
everything can grow on you; love one lenscrafters, and you're bound to love another, eventually. your heart WILL go on!
sniff, sniff. when will this circle crack?
everything can grow on you; love one lenscrafters, and you're bound to love another, eventually. your heart WILL go on!
sniff, sniff. when will this circle crack?
Dec 18, 2003
i swear, those wacky catholics have a patron saint for everything. just a sampling of the extensive list:
patron saint of hairstylists
... of advertising
... of unattractive people
... of zoos
... of button makers
... of dysentery
... of goiters (!)
... of football
... of girls from rural areas
... of kidney stones
... of loss of milk by nursing mothers
... of newspaper editorial workers
... of being against oversleeping
... of hardware stores.
it goes on and on. peruse it here for yourself. and now, you lapsed catholic you, you'll never have the excuse of, "well, i didn't know who the patron saint of waiters is, therefore i couldn't pray."
patron saint of hairstylists
... of advertising
... of unattractive people
... of zoos
... of button makers
... of dysentery
... of goiters (!)
... of football
... of girls from rural areas
... of kidney stones
... of loss of milk by nursing mothers
... of newspaper editorial workers
... of being against oversleeping
... of hardware stores.
it goes on and on. peruse it here for yourself. and now, you lapsed catholic you, you'll never have the excuse of, "well, i didn't know who the patron saint of waiters is, therefore i couldn't pray."
Dec 17, 2003
now, i've always found goiters to be rather humorous. until i saw this.
chris and i are tentatively planning a trip to norfolk, virginia, our tentative future home. i think i'm probably joking about the tentative future home thing, but you never know. i'm relatively sure i don't want to live in illinois forever, but i guess i'd be open to other locales besides virginia. i hear vancouver, b.c., is lovely this time of year.
i went online to see what major art museums norfolk boasts, because you can't travel without seeing some art. and i felt dismay when i saw that their chrysler museum of art has stuff by mark rothko. i hate that guy.
this is bullshit, this painting. all of his paintings are bullshit. where are the despondent ballerinas and melted clocks? this is just color- shitty color. harrumph.
but, despite this disappointment, i still want to go. there's a t-shirt waiting for me: "somebody in norfolk virginia loves me." but it isn't mark rothko.
chris and i are tentatively planning a trip to norfolk, virginia, our tentative future home. i think i'm probably joking about the tentative future home thing, but you never know. i'm relatively sure i don't want to live in illinois forever, but i guess i'd be open to other locales besides virginia. i hear vancouver, b.c., is lovely this time of year.
i went online to see what major art museums norfolk boasts, because you can't travel without seeing some art. and i felt dismay when i saw that their chrysler museum of art has stuff by mark rothko. i hate that guy.
this is bullshit, this painting. all of his paintings are bullshit. where are the despondent ballerinas and melted clocks? this is just color- shitty color. harrumph.
but, despite this disappointment, i still want to go. there's a t-shirt waiting for me: "somebody in norfolk virginia loves me." but it isn't mark rothko.
Dec 16, 2003
for girls (and some boys) that are struggling with the "to swallow or not to swallow" conundrum:
Recently studies have shown that regular consumption of semen can actually have some wonderful health benefits. Semen contains at least 13 prostaglandins and high concentrations of hormones that retain potency if taken orally. The quality of the seminal hormones is thought to be superior to even prescription versions. In the study women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely. It is thought that the oral consumption of the potent hormones had a balancing effect on woman's hormonal ups and downs.
lowered depression, eh? turns out paxil was never the solution- just a vigorous blow job to yield large quantities of jizz.
well, enough of that. i never thought i'd use the word "jizz" in a blog entry. just goes to show- you can never know exactly what to expect.
p.s. now liz phair's song, "h.w.c." is making sense:
Give it to me, don't give it away
Don't think about what the others say
My skins getting clear, my hairs so bright
All you do is fuck me every day and night
You're my secret beauty routine
Na, na, na, na, what my body has seen
I am lookin' good and I'm feeling nice
Baby you're the best magazine advice
Gimme your hot white cum...
okay. really. i'm done.
Recently studies have shown that regular consumption of semen can actually have some wonderful health benefits. Semen contains at least 13 prostaglandins and high concentrations of hormones that retain potency if taken orally. The quality of the seminal hormones is thought to be superior to even prescription versions. In the study women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely. It is thought that the oral consumption of the potent hormones had a balancing effect on woman's hormonal ups and downs.
lowered depression, eh? turns out paxil was never the solution- just a vigorous blow job to yield large quantities of jizz.
well, enough of that. i never thought i'd use the word "jizz" in a blog entry. just goes to show- you can never know exactly what to expect.
p.s. now liz phair's song, "h.w.c." is making sense:
Give it to me, don't give it away
Don't think about what the others say
My skins getting clear, my hairs so bright
All you do is fuck me every day and night
You're my secret beauty routine
Na, na, na, na, what my body has seen
I am lookin' good and I'm feeling nice
Baby you're the best magazine advice
Gimme your hot white cum...
okay. really. i'm done.
Dec 15, 2003
according to the 18th century theory of preformation (which, yes, has since been discredited), an individual develops by simple enlargement of a tiny fully formed organism that exists in the germ cell. to put it in layman's terms and not plagiarize quite as much, every person from me to you to kobe bryant existed exactly as we are now when we were only specks of our daddy's sperm or our mama's egg. the great epic "look who's talking" is a cinematic example of this theory, only imagine baby mikey's voice echoing from even inside his great-grandfather's sperm, or even his great-great-great-great-great grandaunt's ear wax. sound crazy? well, that's probaby why it's been discredited.
let's say we discredited the discreditors. we did some detective work and discovered that their grand discrediting methods had involved a haphazard set-up of test tubes containing only yellow mustard and a spinner from the game "twister." no matter how you try to utilize these materials, nothing all that scientific will emerge from your dealings. just ask the judges of my fourth grade science fair.
i like this thoery because it means i was floating in a cell in the year of 1567, as the same jackie i am now, getting to watch the world unfold before my very eyes. okay, not my literal eyes, but the eyes of my all-knowing, germ-sized soul. yes, because of preformation, i have witnessed great world events, sat with my grandparents during their "wooing" period, and maybe even partially voted for kennedy. it's staggering to think of where i was and what i was involved in. possibly, i could have eaten babaganoush with cleopatra.
most importantly, i'd like to think that i was a microscopic spectator of the filming of "dr. strangelove." i always wonder what colors i'm missing out on it while viewing it in nondescript black and white.
let's say we discredited the discreditors. we did some detective work and discovered that their grand discrediting methods had involved a haphazard set-up of test tubes containing only yellow mustard and a spinner from the game "twister." no matter how you try to utilize these materials, nothing all that scientific will emerge from your dealings. just ask the judges of my fourth grade science fair.
i like this thoery because it means i was floating in a cell in the year of 1567, as the same jackie i am now, getting to watch the world unfold before my very eyes. okay, not my literal eyes, but the eyes of my all-knowing, germ-sized soul. yes, because of preformation, i have witnessed great world events, sat with my grandparents during their "wooing" period, and maybe even partially voted for kennedy. it's staggering to think of where i was and what i was involved in. possibly, i could have eaten babaganoush with cleopatra.
most importantly, i'd like to think that i was a microscopic spectator of the filming of "dr. strangelove." i always wonder what colors i'm missing out on it while viewing it in nondescript black and white.
Dec 14, 2003
last night, i ate a rabbit. no, not *that* rabbit...
and, no, not that rabbit, either. i didn't even know you knew what chinese horoscopes are, not to mention what year mr. warhol was born in...
no, the rabbit i ate last night was actually:
he was braised (which means to brown in fat and then let simmer in a closed container), and he was delicious.
(endnote: i thought i would feel really weird about eating thumper, but then i got over it by humming "the circle of life" in my head and reminding myself that, yes, the strong eat the weak. and i am strong. and i think i really like the taste of bunny.)
Dec 13, 2003
today is the one (fiscal) year anniversary of jackie and chris.
for those of you who care about exact dates, the technical date is tomorrow, december 14.
it's been a great year. don't tell him, though, that i'm planning to dump him on december 16. his gambling problem's gotten way out of hand, and if i have to bail him out of jail just one more time....
ah, but i kid. i love you, cb. happy 12 monther!
for those of you who care about exact dates, the technical date is tomorrow, december 14.
it's been a great year. don't tell him, though, that i'm planning to dump him on december 16. his gambling problem's gotten way out of hand, and if i have to bail him out of jail just one more time....
ah, but i kid. i love you, cb. happy 12 monther!
Dec 12, 2003
i barely slept last night. i had stuff on my mind. it occurred to me that- sure, while i did get the one job- the other job for which i took the personality test never called me back. which means i failed... the personality test.
this makes me feel sad.
i want to know what exactly went wrong with this test. did i reveal my criminal mastermind? did i reveal that i'm overly emotional, unconfident, and kind of sniffly? or were the results akin to the e.q. test i took last year- and horribly low?
apparently i'm very cold-hearted and don't know how to empathize. but you would think that would be a desirable trait in the business world.
bah. i shouldn't fret about it too much. but if there's something so horribly wrong w/ me that i'm failing your basic personality tests- then i want to know.
this makes me feel sad.
i want to know what exactly went wrong with this test. did i reveal my criminal mastermind? did i reveal that i'm overly emotional, unconfident, and kind of sniffly? or were the results akin to the e.q. test i took last year- and horribly low?
apparently i'm very cold-hearted and don't know how to empathize. but you would think that would be a desirable trait in the business world.
bah. i shouldn't fret about it too much. but if there's something so horribly wrong w/ me that i'm failing your basic personality tests- then i want to know.
Dec 11, 2003
while doing a random search for types of tea, i came up with this website, which has nothing to do with tea. the site that i am linking to describes a japanese game that allows you to spank everyone from your ex-girlfriend to your mother-in-law to a prostitute. for some people, this may all be the same person, but let's not get started on that subject. anyhow, the above picture shows the mascots for this game- a giant finger and a giant, smiley turd.
i love the japanese.
the world's largest prime number was discovered by michael shafer. it has 6,320,430 digits and would take up over 1400 pages to write out. if a larger font size were to be used, such as helvectica 26.7, it might take up over 200,000 pages. this is just a rough estimate based on some of my own mental calculations. please don't quote me in your thesis.
i'm kind of mad at michael shafer. i too was working on this project, and i was this close to finding the number myself. when i say "this close," imagine me holding my finger and thumb about half an inch apart, and squinting my eyes. anyway, i got as far as 127. then i stopped to heat up a pizza. that's when michael probably swooped in and beat me to the punch.
in other news, peter barham, of bristol university, has also outdone me in the field of figuring out the formula for cooking the perfect turkey. his own mathematical equation accounts for the ratio of the specific heat of the turkey to the specific heat of the air, and the radius, girth and precise physical geometry of the turkey. while i was using different methods, such as trying to factor in the "soupiness" of the gravy and the brand of aluminum foil that one would use to cover his/her turkey, i was on the exact same track. but then i took some time out to pluck my eyebrows. alas, peter barham gets the credit, and i get jack.
the thing that i wonder about is this. what the hell is a guy as smart as peter barham doing working with turkeys? you'd think he'd be out there trying to cure cancer or aids or find a way to invent a bottomless glass of wine. but, no. he's cooking a bird.
today i sat down and said, "i'm going to finish my story." i'm estimating i have about 6 paragraphs left. 6 lousy paragraphs. i've been sitting here for hours, and i haven't even opened the word file yet. there is something extremely wrong with me.
now i think i'll do a google search for insanely difficult miniature golf courses. for research for my own mini golf course that i plan on opening, spring 2005.
i'm kind of mad at michael shafer. i too was working on this project, and i was this close to finding the number myself. when i say "this close," imagine me holding my finger and thumb about half an inch apart, and squinting my eyes. anyway, i got as far as 127. then i stopped to heat up a pizza. that's when michael probably swooped in and beat me to the punch.
in other news, peter barham, of bristol university, has also outdone me in the field of figuring out the formula for cooking the perfect turkey. his own mathematical equation accounts for the ratio of the specific heat of the turkey to the specific heat of the air, and the radius, girth and precise physical geometry of the turkey. while i was using different methods, such as trying to factor in the "soupiness" of the gravy and the brand of aluminum foil that one would use to cover his/her turkey, i was on the exact same track. but then i took some time out to pluck my eyebrows. alas, peter barham gets the credit, and i get jack.
the thing that i wonder about is this. what the hell is a guy as smart as peter barham doing working with turkeys? you'd think he'd be out there trying to cure cancer or aids or find a way to invent a bottomless glass of wine. but, no. he's cooking a bird.
today i sat down and said, "i'm going to finish my story." i'm estimating i have about 6 paragraphs left. 6 lousy paragraphs. i've been sitting here for hours, and i haven't even opened the word file yet. there is something extremely wrong with me.
now i think i'll do a google search for insanely difficult miniature golf courses. for research for my own mini golf course that i plan on opening, spring 2005.
Dec 10, 2003
i found this in the sacramento bee:
The Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy Fantasy Bra" by jeweler Mouawad is priced at $11 million. Sounds pretty expensive, but it includes matching panties, more than 6,000 white diamonds, sapphires and other precious stones, and a 70-carat pear-shaped stone hanging from the center of the bra.
good fucking lord. i know why they call it a fantasy bra- only in your fantasies could you possibly own it. i don't think even jennifer lopez has spent this much on a bra. even one that comes with matching panties.
The Victoria's Secret "Very Sexy Fantasy Bra" by jeweler Mouawad is priced at $11 million. Sounds pretty expensive, but it includes matching panties, more than 6,000 white diamonds, sapphires and other precious stones, and a 70-carat pear-shaped stone hanging from the center of the bra.
good fucking lord. i know why they call it a fantasy bra- only in your fantasies could you possibly own it. i don't think even jennifer lopez has spent this much on a bra. even one that comes with matching panties.
this is a lot of fun.
anyhow, in 1941, no author won the pulitzer prize for a novel. so, i'm proposing that i take it. everybody's competing for the 2004 one, because that one will clearly be the most recent, but who else besides me is willing to accept one that's outdated by over 60 years? who? stand up, and let's fight over it.
of course, i'd have a better argument if i actually had a novel- but some of my grocery lists are so well-written that they read like prose. beautiful prose. nobody describes a half pound of ground beef and a 20 pack of tampons quite like me.
anyhow, in 1941, no author won the pulitzer prize for a novel. so, i'm proposing that i take it. everybody's competing for the 2004 one, because that one will clearly be the most recent, but who else besides me is willing to accept one that's outdated by over 60 years? who? stand up, and let's fight over it.
of course, i'd have a better argument if i actually had a novel- but some of my grocery lists are so well-written that they read like prose. beautiful prose. nobody describes a half pound of ground beef and a 20 pack of tampons quite like me.
my christmas wish, every year.
thanks to my good friend carole for sending me said link. carole and i are part of the "we're flat as hell, but still hot as hell" club. however, we'd still like some boobs.
today i am contemplating a hair cut. i have to summon up all of my courage to do this; while i know i need one, i also know that there are a lot of drawbacks to doing the deed.
1, my haircuts have become increasingly expensive. i find i can only go to the uppity salon type places, which is terribly ironic considering i used to have my FATHER cut my hair. dad would just grab my hair into a clump and, with a pair of kitchen shears, make one mighty WHACK! and there was my new hair cut. good enough for me; i was fourteen and knew that even a stylish hair cut wouldn't get me a boyfriend, as i just oozed of dorkiness and ill-fitting jeans. so why bother?
2, i've hair hair stylists say some nasty things to me. let's cite 1999, when "shandra" said, "boy, it's awfully tangled back here," followed by, "do you condition at all?" it was all i could do not to gouge shandra's eyes out. i wanted to say, "boy, shandra, you're awfully fat. do you exercise at all?" yet the fact that she was looming over me with sharp tools made me quickly reconsider.
3, if i get a haircut, it's going back to chin length. and if it's going back to chin length, my security-blanket ponytail is gone. which means i have to spend at least 3 minutes a day styling it. going from 3 seconds to 3 minutes is a big jump. and i'm a busy girl, what with all those telethons i'm organizing.
4, ,,, aw, fuck it, i'm just going to go get it over with.
when i get my hair cut in the fashion that i'm planning to, i always hope a couple of people will say i resemble amelie. because amelie's pretty cute. yeah.
thanks to my good friend carole for sending me said link. carole and i are part of the "we're flat as hell, but still hot as hell" club. however, we'd still like some boobs.
today i am contemplating a hair cut. i have to summon up all of my courage to do this; while i know i need one, i also know that there are a lot of drawbacks to doing the deed.
1, my haircuts have become increasingly expensive. i find i can only go to the uppity salon type places, which is terribly ironic considering i used to have my FATHER cut my hair. dad would just grab my hair into a clump and, with a pair of kitchen shears, make one mighty WHACK! and there was my new hair cut. good enough for me; i was fourteen and knew that even a stylish hair cut wouldn't get me a boyfriend, as i just oozed of dorkiness and ill-fitting jeans. so why bother?
2, i've hair hair stylists say some nasty things to me. let's cite 1999, when "shandra" said, "boy, it's awfully tangled back here," followed by, "do you condition at all?" it was all i could do not to gouge shandra's eyes out. i wanted to say, "boy, shandra, you're awfully fat. do you exercise at all?" yet the fact that she was looming over me with sharp tools made me quickly reconsider.
3, if i get a haircut, it's going back to chin length. and if it's going back to chin length, my security-blanket ponytail is gone. which means i have to spend at least 3 minutes a day styling it. going from 3 seconds to 3 minutes is a big jump. and i'm a busy girl, what with all those telethons i'm organizing.
4, ,,, aw, fuck it, i'm just going to go get it over with.
when i get my hair cut in the fashion that i'm planning to, i always hope a couple of people will say i resemble amelie. because amelie's pretty cute. yeah.
Dec 9, 2003
my mom is tall and thin. for this, i am grateful, because my dad is short and stocky. i inherited the tall and thin side of my mother's genes. most of the time, i hope that's all i inherited from her- but whenever i feel like being mean to a child, i fear that i've inherited more.
my dad has wavy hair. my mom has straight hair. i have very curly hair. i guess i inherited this curly hair from my dad- but sometimes it doesn't make sense. let's get mendalian for a moment. straight hair is ss. wavy hair is Ss. curly hair is SS. i'm SS with a ss parent and a Ss parent. where'd i get that other S from?
my sister's hair is as straight as a... straight... piece... of something. good for her.
my dad is 100% italian. my mom is 50% polish, 25% hungarian, and 25% chinese. that makes me 50% italian, 25% polish, 1/8 hungarian, and 1/8 chinese. chris often refers to me as his asian girlfriend. he never refers to me as his italian girlfriend. well, maybe a few times to his family.
i don't know what my blood type is. i just tell people, "red." after it hits oxygen, of course. before i bleed, my type is "blue." blue negative.
my dad has wavy hair. my mom has straight hair. i have very curly hair. i guess i inherited this curly hair from my dad- but sometimes it doesn't make sense. let's get mendalian for a moment. straight hair is ss. wavy hair is Ss. curly hair is SS. i'm SS with a ss parent and a Ss parent. where'd i get that other S from?
my sister's hair is as straight as a... straight... piece... of something. good for her.
my dad is 100% italian. my mom is 50% polish, 25% hungarian, and 25% chinese. that makes me 50% italian, 25% polish, 1/8 hungarian, and 1/8 chinese. chris often refers to me as his asian girlfriend. he never refers to me as his italian girlfriend. well, maybe a few times to his family.
i don't know what my blood type is. i just tell people, "red." after it hits oxygen, of course. before i bleed, my type is "blue." blue negative.
Dec 8, 2003
dude, she kidnapped herself.
i think i have arthritis. i'm not saying "i think i have arthritis" like i would maybe say, "i think i have a chance at getting a grammy this year" or "i think i invented the microwave." this is too serious of a matter to joke about. really, i think i have arthritis. these are the symptoms that i found on yahoo! health.
Symptoms
gradual and subtle onset of deep aching joint pain
worse after exercise or weight bearing
often relieved by rest
joint swelling
limited movement
morning stiffness
grating of the joint with motion
joint pain in rainy weather
Note: There may be no symptoms.
while that last part about there maybe not being any symptoms kind of throws me for a loop, i am currently experiencing stiffness, deep aching pain, and limited movement in the joints of my fingers. it only makes sense that i would get arthritis, what with over 5 years of adjusting frames added to occasional, yet vigorous, video game play, daily bouts of typing, and the difficulty i experience when trying to twist off the caps of non twist off beer bottles. my hands hurt! and my hands are my livelihood. why couldn't the bastards have gone after my ear lobes?
anyhow, this is a depiction of what my hands will look like in, oh, let's say 2-3 weeks.
but i read that therapy may help with arthritis. this doesn't sound like a bad idea; my inner child has been meaning to make an appointment anyways, as to dig up those filthy repressions.
oh, that kind of therapy. drat.
i think i have arthritis. i'm not saying "i think i have arthritis" like i would maybe say, "i think i have a chance at getting a grammy this year" or "i think i invented the microwave." this is too serious of a matter to joke about. really, i think i have arthritis. these are the symptoms that i found on yahoo! health.
Symptoms
gradual and subtle onset of deep aching joint pain
worse after exercise or weight bearing
often relieved by rest
joint swelling
limited movement
morning stiffness
grating of the joint with motion
joint pain in rainy weather
Note: There may be no symptoms.
while that last part about there maybe not being any symptoms kind of throws me for a loop, i am currently experiencing stiffness, deep aching pain, and limited movement in the joints of my fingers. it only makes sense that i would get arthritis, what with over 5 years of adjusting frames added to occasional, yet vigorous, video game play, daily bouts of typing, and the difficulty i experience when trying to twist off the caps of non twist off beer bottles. my hands hurt! and my hands are my livelihood. why couldn't the bastards have gone after my ear lobes?
anyhow, this is a depiction of what my hands will look like in, oh, let's say 2-3 weeks.
but i read that therapy may help with arthritis. this doesn't sound like a bad idea; my inner child has been meaning to make an appointment anyways, as to dig up those filthy repressions.
oh, that kind of therapy. drat.
Dec 7, 2003
i found this survey thing on holly's livejournal and thought that i would take it myself. i love this shit.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
01 - that cross-eyed guy who takes the bus and repeatedly touches his crotch.
02 - pickle relish. can't go near the stuff without getting the willies.
03 - three different doctors have diagnosed me with aulophobia- fear of flutes.
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
01 - why my homemade robot doesn't work.
02 - french. it's a bitch trying to watch "Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain" without subtitles.
03 - i'm not entirely clear on where ear wax comes from.
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
01 - how to type with my toes. when i write my novel, i want the jacket to say, "the author wrote this story using only her feet." yeah, that would be rad.
02 - the national anthem of botswana, just for kicks.
03 - the appeal of fantasy football.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
01 - turkish nipple armor.
02 - bubble wrap underwear (pop pop POP!).
03 - a wire. i've always wanted to say that.
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
01 - half finished letter to juan valdez. i was wondering if i could borrow the mule for a few days.
02 - a 40 lb chocolate cupcake. i'd eat it, but i think i hear something moving inside of it.
03 - my own "olympic" torch, because the olympic people have been pretty resistent about letting me carry the real one. something about my history of dropping things.
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
01 - wear a sea-shell bra to the mall and wait for a sea captain to offer to buy me lunch.
02 - hand out leaflets about the gospel. while wearing a sea-shell bra.
03 - at least one pull up.
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
01 - some ways you could describe my personality woud be with a very nicely worded letter or
02 - finger puppets or
03 - you could even describe my personality with some sort of pyrotechnic show. i guess it's up to you, really. who am i to tell you what to do?
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
01 - i tend to have tiny problems with being slightly homicidal.
02 - the voices inside my brain often prompt me to steal dogs from the pet store- and then take them to the pound.
03 - sometimes, i'm just TOO great.
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - i'm glad my knees bend in the direction that they do. otherwise walking would be difficult.
02 - my boobs are huge. gigantic. i tend to knock small children over while jogging around the candy store, oftentimes sending them straight into a coma. but, it's a blissful coma, because my heaving, beautiful bosom was the last thing that they remember seeing.
03 - the human nose was a good idea. kudos to whoever came up with that little gem.
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - no gills. why no gills?
02 - i should never have gotten that nixon tattoo. i'm tired of answering questions about it.
03 - no part of it is bionic. sigh.
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
01 - i own and operate a small printing press devoted to stories about bipolar midgets. our last publication was "betsy... the bipolar midget." the one before that was "ronald... the bipolar midget."
02 - i own three storage garages worth of "i love lucy" memorabilia. among them, i have the actual preserved body of ethel mertz.
03 - i'm wanted in 34 states. by 208 different guys.
THREE PEOPLE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER
01 - franklin roosevelt. but i guess it's too late.
02 - andrew lloyd weber and
03 - tim rice. i really want them to write a musical about me called, "jackie! christ, what a superstar!"
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
01 - "we really should do something about all that third world debt."
02 - "touch my butt!"
03 - "all right, who's the wise guy who replaced all my heart medicine with... hey, what is this anyways, a crushed up urinal cake? "
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
01 - i need to find a really good outlet mall. i can't even tell you how many times i've taken pilgrimages to so-called "outlet" malls only to end up bitterly paying department store prices for some pea green sweater that later turns out to be horribly irregular.
02 - world's tallest western boot, in edmonton alberta, so i can stand there and say, "wow. that's big boot."
03 - i'd like to put my flag on mars. not the united states' flag- but jackietown's flag.
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
01 - douche bag jones
02 - fatty fat fat
03 - jackie "this is the ninth paper cut this week" f.
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
01 - that cross-eyed guy who takes the bus and repeatedly touches his crotch.
02 - pickle relish. can't go near the stuff without getting the willies.
03 - three different doctors have diagnosed me with aulophobia- fear of flutes.
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
01 - why my homemade robot doesn't work.
02 - french. it's a bitch trying to watch "Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain" without subtitles.
03 - i'm not entirely clear on where ear wax comes from.
THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
01 - how to type with my toes. when i write my novel, i want the jacket to say, "the author wrote this story using only her feet." yeah, that would be rad.
02 - the national anthem of botswana, just for kicks.
03 - the appeal of fantasy football.
THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
01 - turkish nipple armor.
02 - bubble wrap underwear (pop pop POP!).
03 - a wire. i've always wanted to say that.
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
01 - half finished letter to juan valdez. i was wondering if i could borrow the mule for a few days.
02 - a 40 lb chocolate cupcake. i'd eat it, but i think i hear something moving inside of it.
03 - my own "olympic" torch, because the olympic people have been pretty resistent about letting me carry the real one. something about my history of dropping things.
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
01 - wear a sea-shell bra to the mall and wait for a sea captain to offer to buy me lunch.
02 - hand out leaflets about the gospel. while wearing a sea-shell bra.
03 - at least one pull up.
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
01 - some ways you could describe my personality woud be with a very nicely worded letter or
02 - finger puppets or
03 - you could even describe my personality with some sort of pyrotechnic show. i guess it's up to you, really. who am i to tell you what to do?
THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
01 - i tend to have tiny problems with being slightly homicidal.
02 - the voices inside my brain often prompt me to steal dogs from the pet store- and then take them to the pound.
03 - sometimes, i'm just TOO great.
THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - i'm glad my knees bend in the direction that they do. otherwise walking would be difficult.
02 - my boobs are huge. gigantic. i tend to knock small children over while jogging around the candy store, oftentimes sending them straight into a coma. but, it's a blissful coma, because my heaving, beautiful bosom was the last thing that they remember seeing.
03 - the human nose was a good idea. kudos to whoever came up with that little gem.
THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - no gills. why no gills?
02 - i should never have gotten that nixon tattoo. i'm tired of answering questions about it.
03 - no part of it is bionic. sigh.
THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
01 - i own and operate a small printing press devoted to stories about bipolar midgets. our last publication was "betsy... the bipolar midget." the one before that was "ronald... the bipolar midget."
02 - i own three storage garages worth of "i love lucy" memorabilia. among them, i have the actual preserved body of ethel mertz.
03 - i'm wanted in 34 states. by 208 different guys.
THREE PEOPLE YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER
01 - franklin roosevelt. but i guess it's too late.
02 - andrew lloyd weber and
03 - tim rice. i really want them to write a musical about me called, "jackie! christ, what a superstar!"
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
01 - "we really should do something about all that third world debt."
02 - "touch my butt!"
03 - "all right, who's the wise guy who replaced all my heart medicine with... hey, what is this anyways, a crushed up urinal cake? "
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
01 - i need to find a really good outlet mall. i can't even tell you how many times i've taken pilgrimages to so-called "outlet" malls only to end up bitterly paying department store prices for some pea green sweater that later turns out to be horribly irregular.
02 - world's tallest western boot, in edmonton alberta, so i can stand there and say, "wow. that's big boot."
03 - i'd like to put my flag on mars. not the united states' flag- but jackietown's flag.
THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
01 - douche bag jones
02 - fatty fat fat
03 - jackie "this is the ninth paper cut this week" f.
Dec 6, 2003
2 news items concerning male genitalia:
1) a fossil crustacean was named "colymbosathon ecplecticos," which literally means "swimmer with a large penis."
2) omaha urologist sells gift certificates for vasectomies. like, here's a gift certificate for a mocha at starbucks, and, hey, here's one to make sure you don't populate the world, you disgusting retard.
1) a fossil crustacean was named "colymbosathon ecplecticos," which literally means "swimmer with a large penis."
2) omaha urologist sells gift certificates for vasectomies. like, here's a gift certificate for a mocha at starbucks, and, hey, here's one to make sure you don't populate the world, you disgusting retard.
Dec 5, 2003
in an article on the bbc:
"And the best single predictor of how a child is doing in the third grade in school is how much diarrhoea they had during their first two years of life."
so don't feed your kids a lot of beans and fruit and coffee.
don't you just love how the british spell diarrhea? it's got an "o" in it, and while i have some comments on why that "o" is there, it may be best to keep those comments to myself.
"And the best single predictor of how a child is doing in the third grade in school is how much diarrhoea they had during their first two years of life."
so don't feed your kids a lot of beans and fruit and coffee.
don't you just love how the british spell diarrhea? it's got an "o" in it, and while i have some comments on why that "o" is there, it may be best to keep those comments to myself.
this interview this morning... sigh. i hate those questions that they ask, such as "do you like working independently or in a team?" well, if you say "independently," that means you hate people and can't work with others. if you say, "in a team," that means you can't do anything by yourself. there's no right answer.
"please tell me about a time you exhibited leadership qualities." well, shit. next time i'm saying i organized the american revolution. or, next time, i'm telling them that the heaven's gate cult was my idea. i still can't believe that my spaceship never came, but as for my leadership skills? fan-fucking-tastic.
"what's your greatest accomplishment?" i wanted to say, "finding this address, considering there's a gigantic tree in front of your sign." but i also said that i was good at problem solving, which i think might include locating local addresses. can't be too sure, though.
i feel like hitting myself over the head with the next brick i can find. or the next pillow. yeah, i think i'd rather use the pillow. can't get blood in my hair before having to go to work- i don't need any more questions that i can't answer. "please tell me why there's blood in your hair." "well, sir, as a born leader... yeah, i don't know where i'm trying to take this."
anyhow, driving to this morning's interview, i passed a sign for a restaurant that advertised, "pancakes and cocktails." what a great idea! "i'll have a crepe and a bloody mary, please." why isn't this a more widespread combo?
did you know that the united states is number 7 on the human development's index of most livable countries? there are six other places that are more livable than here- including iceland. i can't believe the quality of life can be so much better in a place so much colder.
i wonder if they have pancakes and cocktails- together at last!- in iceland.
"please tell me about a time you exhibited leadership qualities." well, shit. next time i'm saying i organized the american revolution. or, next time, i'm telling them that the heaven's gate cult was my idea. i still can't believe that my spaceship never came, but as for my leadership skills? fan-fucking-tastic.
"what's your greatest accomplishment?" i wanted to say, "finding this address, considering there's a gigantic tree in front of your sign." but i also said that i was good at problem solving, which i think might include locating local addresses. can't be too sure, though.
i feel like hitting myself over the head with the next brick i can find. or the next pillow. yeah, i think i'd rather use the pillow. can't get blood in my hair before having to go to work- i don't need any more questions that i can't answer. "please tell me why there's blood in your hair." "well, sir, as a born leader... yeah, i don't know where i'm trying to take this."
anyhow, driving to this morning's interview, i passed a sign for a restaurant that advertised, "pancakes and cocktails." what a great idea! "i'll have a crepe and a bloody mary, please." why isn't this a more widespread combo?
did you know that the united states is number 7 on the human development's index of most livable countries? there are six other places that are more livable than here- including iceland. i can't believe the quality of life can be so much better in a place so much colder.
i wonder if they have pancakes and cocktails- together at last!- in iceland.
they said there was going to be snow. where's the snow?
not that i'm complaining. me and snow, we don't get along. we agree to disagree.
it's early. every time i try making coffee these days, the filter folds over and i get grounds in my drink. it's pissing me off, almost to the point of writing an angry letter to somebody... if only i could figure out who.
i got nothing. wish me luck for this morning's job interview. even if you don't mean it.
not that i'm complaining. me and snow, we don't get along. we agree to disagree.
it's early. every time i try making coffee these days, the filter folds over and i get grounds in my drink. it's pissing me off, almost to the point of writing an angry letter to somebody... if only i could figure out who.
i got nothing. wish me luck for this morning's job interview. even if you don't mean it.
Dec 4, 2003
me jackie. me too busy to blog. me be back soon. working and karaoking and working and job interviews and working and seeing friends (like superduck! i love my superduck.) and working. no time to write anything, except this. no time to even go to the store and buy toilet paper. today i work nine and a half hours and then wake up tomorrow at 6:30 a.m. to go to a job interview, and then go straight to work until nine o'clock p.m. me depressed. me require time to watch tv and sort my socks; me not liking this whole "job" crap.
Dec 1, 2003
sometimes it's hard to think of the right words. i wanted to say to chris, "the effects were doubled," but instead said, "the effects were twicened." today i looked up the word "twicen" to see if it was a synonym for "double-" but, alas, it's not. or at least it wasn't... until i said it.
i'm thirsty. i've been sitting here for so long without liquid that my initial thirst... well, it's been twicened.
i'm thirsty. i've been sitting here for so long without liquid that my initial thirst... well, it's been twicened.
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host!"
- dorothy parker, who i know i would have been great friends with.
________________
-self portrait of frida kahlo that she dedicated to leon trotsky. she was known to have said, "i put on the canvas whatever comes into my mind." that's why nearly all of her paintings are self-portraits.
you do what you know.
________________
- vanessa bell's portrait of her sister, virginia woolf. every website you find on the artist vanessa bell will tell you that her sister was virginia woolf. not every website on virginia woolf will tell you that her sister was vanessa bell.
________________
the female philosopher hypatia lived between 370 and 415 ad. a teacher of math and philosophy, she also invented several tools, including an instrument for distilling water, an instrument to measure the specific gravity of water, an astrolabe and a planisphere. there were no cameras back then, so we don't have any photos of her- but while reading about her, i've come to visualize her a little like this:
i know that's not a photo either. but deal.
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
After four I'm under my host!"
- dorothy parker, who i know i would have been great friends with.
________________
-self portrait of frida kahlo that she dedicated to leon trotsky. she was known to have said, "i put on the canvas whatever comes into my mind." that's why nearly all of her paintings are self-portraits.
you do what you know.
________________
- vanessa bell's portrait of her sister, virginia woolf. every website you find on the artist vanessa bell will tell you that her sister was virginia woolf. not every website on virginia woolf will tell you that her sister was vanessa bell.
________________
the female philosopher hypatia lived between 370 and 415 ad. a teacher of math and philosophy, she also invented several tools, including an instrument for distilling water, an instrument to measure the specific gravity of water, an astrolabe and a planisphere. there were no cameras back then, so we don't have any photos of her- but while reading about her, i've come to visualize her a little like this:
i know that's not a photo either. but deal.
i thought this was really cute
i signed on to aim yesterday, and then walked away as i am wont to do. a certain sonic friend of mine named janice sent me the following messages.
jackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackie jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
i read the whole message outloud when i returned to my computer. it was poety to my ears- but not so much to my tongue.
janicejanicejanicejanice- hi.
i signed on to aim yesterday, and then walked away as i am wont to do. a certain sonic friend of mine named janice sent me the following messages.
jackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackie jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
jackiejackiejackiejackiejackiejackie
i read the whole message outloud when i returned to my computer. it was poety to my ears- but not so much to my tongue.
janicejanicejanicejanice- hi.
what if you did a google search for my name and came up with this link? what if i knew you years ago; what would i want you to know about me now?
finding ghosts from the past is so easy with the internet. i've rather made it a hobby; it's a bit like being a detective. or a stalker, one of the two. but what if somebody found me here? i wonder how i come across; is it "same old jackie," or "i can't believe that's jackie!"
probably neither. mostly because i can't imagine who would want to search for me.
but if you had searched for me, let me just tell you- life is pretty good now that i don't see you anymore.
finding ghosts from the past is so easy with the internet. i've rather made it a hobby; it's a bit like being a detective. or a stalker, one of the two. but what if somebody found me here? i wonder how i come across; is it "same old jackie," or "i can't believe that's jackie!"
probably neither. mostly because i can't imagine who would want to search for me.
but if you had searched for me, let me just tell you- life is pretty good now that i don't see you anymore.
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